The Noise

      So much noise.  Here’s the thing about noise, once you realize it’s noise, it can be easy to ignore … if you want to ignore it.

     Let’s say you had a person who said “I’m going to pay you $25 on Tuesday”.  Tuesday comes and goes.  There is no $25.  You see this person again on Friday and they say “Oh, I’m so sorry.  You know, next Tuesday I’ll pay you $25”.  You guessed it.  Tuesday comes and goes.  If this happens more than once you will realize that this is just noise.

     You might find that as you treat this as noise, the person who continues to make this noise will be angry at YOU because you are no longer listening.  They may up the amount from $25 to $50 to even $75 or more. What is the main thing that all of these amounts have in common?  The promise is never fulfilled.  It doesn’t make any sense.  They don’t have anything to offer.  They want the most important things you have to give.  It’s not the money.  They want the time and the attention.

     There have been multiple studies from nursing homes, hospice facilities, and elder care.  No one wishes they spent more time in the office or traveling for work.

     When we get older no one will wish they spent more time on you/twit/face/insta/space.  No one will remember the last argument they won on you/twit/face/insta/space.  They know they blocked someone but they won’t be able to remember why.  They know relationships never healed and will only remember too late that it was over something trivial.  They’ll remember the moment something could have changed but didn’t change because the other person should have done it.  They’ll regret that they didn’t try.

     Die having tried.  Did you try to spend that time with people you loved?  Did you try to fix that crazy family dynamic?  Did you try that idea you had?  Trying is not the aforementioned CouchSpirAssy of looking up something on you/twit/face/insta/space and watching other people do it.  Trying is not thinking ‘I have to quit my job and give it my all.  Failure with no back up’.  Trying is just that, trying.  You might not get a yes if you ask but if you don’t try, the answer is always no.  

     Stop listening to the noise and surprise yourself.  You’d be amazed at what you can do when you take a few minutes to actually try to do it.  Overthinking usually equals underperforming.  You can do this if you just let yourself get away from the noise.

     The noise is seductive.  We’ve all fallen into the trap.  It pays just enough attention to us to get our attention and trust.

     I remember meeting a friend and her family out for dinner at a nice brewery with a view of Long Island Sound.  For me, it was a deeper look in to the life and family of a friend I’ve known for years.  For most of them it was a trip down memory lane.  There was food and laughter and drinks and an overall good time.  

     We were all adults.  Most were married with kids or deep into a career.  There were no teenagers here.  There was a little bit of noise.  It snagged the youngest one when she pulled out her phone to take a quick photo to post on twit/face/insta/space.

     She disappeared.  For her, there was no more food.  There were no more drinks.  There was no Long Island Sound.  There was just noise.  The laughter and the fun of the family had been replaced by the sound of her being sucked into an argument on twit/face/insta/space in which she had no stakes.

     We eventually got her back but it was like taking keys away from a drunk friend at the bar who doesn’t think they’re that drunk.

     What will she remember from that night?  Will it be the family, the food, the fun, the sound, or will it be the noise?  Who knows?  Maybe, just maybe, this Tuesday she’ll get offered $100.

The Task

      What if the solution, like the goal, is more of the problem than its name suggests.  Solutions and goals aren’t typically the end all to be all.  They are completed tasks.  It’s a checked box.  The box has been checked.  Why doesn’t this “task” feel completed?

     Was it your task to complete?  Who put the solutions and goals into the box in the first place?  For the majority of our early lives we are simply clicking off goals and tasks that have been set up by someone else.  It’s all chores and homework with a few seconds carved out to fill in the spaces between.

     The busy work keeps you from “getting into too much trouble” and running the train off the tracks.  It was school, homework, some intermediate activity (band, basketball, volleyball, swimming, baseball, softball, lacrosse, soccer, wrestling, theater, choir, chorus, glee club), work, college prep, dating, rejection, church, temple, or mosque.

     Heaven help us if we were saddled with sick, depressed, alcoholic, abusive, or absent parents.  If you were lucky enough to be outside of this super intense cycle, you weren’t able to sidestep all of it.  You had a friend or cousin who had to crash on your couch, sleep in the guest bed room, or seemed to spend more time with your family than they did with their own.

     There were the raised voices behind closed doors, arguments held over the phone, the “maybe this isn’t really our business” conversation.  “Please, you can’t let them go back.  He’ll kill them.  Just let them stay until he sleeps it off” response.

     So many intense kitchen conversations were over heard from a vent in the bedroom.  We were quietly listening to our parents talking other parents off the ledge.  They were younger parents who were supposed to have everything but couldn’t understand why it was all going sideways.  They came to my parents because they were older.  In hindsight they were younger than I am now.

     Maybe you were on the other end of the phone hoping you could crash on a friend’s couch, sleep in their guest bedroom, or spend more time with their family than your own.  Maybe you were too young to remember the last time you left your house but you somehow, even though you were crying and wanting to stay, knew you weren’t going back.

     Whose boxes are these?  Who would choose any of these boxes to check?  What if the busy work were finding out about who we were deep inside and moving in that direction rather than distracting us from the unknown?  

     When we were little, my Dad didn’t just send us to bed.  Our bedtime was 8:00 pm.  At 7:30 we would do 5 minutes of calisthenics and then we would ‘sit and listen to the house’.  We would close our eyes and try to listen for the sounds of the house.  Because we couldn’t hear the house, he would have us listen to our breathing.  He would then have us pay attention to our heart beat.  Our feet would be planted on the floor and we were allowed to leave the day behind.

     When we opened our eyes we had carved out a few seconds in the day to keep the train running on the tracks.  This is a box I choose to check.  Feet planted, shoulders dropped, door wide open.  Task chosen.  Task completed.

The Goal

      That’s the question, isn’t it?  You chase and you chase and you chase.  Is it the journey?  It’s supposed to be about the journey.  What’s the point of getting somewhere if you haven’t learned anything by the time you get there?

     As wonderful as vacations are they are typically made better when something almost happens.  “We almost missed the plane” or “We almost got into a car accident” or “We almost missed the show because we hopped off the wrong exit”.

     If it’s easy it’s usually not memorable or appreciated.  If you woke up, grabbed a bag that was packed the night before, neatly packed the night before by the way, arrived at the airport 2 hours early, had a flawless flight, got the rental car you wanted, and easily checked into the hotel, you’d be scared as hell.

     You’d be looking over your shoulder the whole time waiting for some shitty, inconvenient thing to happen.  It’s not that anyone wants that shitty, inconvenient thing to happen, it’s that the shitty inconvenient thing happening early allows you to take a deep breath and enjoy the rest of your time.

     How many times have you gotten to your destination and said some variation of “It’s about got damn time!” and collapsed on the bed or in the biggest comfy cozy chair you could find?  The struggle to get to the destination allows you to appreciate the destination. 

     Sometimes it allows you to find out who you really want to hang out with when you are at that destination.  How many times, when you were younger, did a relationship or a friendship end when you actually took time to travel with that person?  You can date for six months to a year and slowly find out things about someone OR you can go on a problematic trip and see how someone reacts when things get real.

     How sexy is that person when they accidentally miss the exit and you really need to use the bathroom?  What type of terrible things come out of their mouth or your mouth after you’ve been awake for 2 days straight only to get to the wrong location?

     As great as it would be to get somewhere without issue and without problems or without struggle, how can we appreciate the highs without knowing the lows?  

     I remember winning a trip for work.  It was out of the blue.  It should have been great.  But due to an impending storm I had to take an earlier flight.  I missed my connecting flight because I was unfamiliar with Chicago O’Hare Airport and our escort didn’t show up on time.  

     Luckily the agent took pity on me (the escort who picked us up 30 minutes late also stepped up) and put me on the next flight to the destination.  It rained sheets of rain for the first two days. Finally on the third day the storm broke.  You could see the ocean from the balcony.

     The sunlight glistened off the rain soaked trees.  The air was clean.  By mid afternoon everything was dry and looked new.  The forecast for the next 3 days was sunny and 72°.

     By 4:30 I walked on to the balcony, inhaled deep, dropped my shoulders, collapsed into the biggest comfy cozy chair on the patio and declared, “It’s about got damned time!”.

The Good

      Once you break the cycle of the CouchSpirAssy you have some choices to make.  Most tend to overshoot and try to make up for lost time.  After days or months or years of scrolling and watching and watching and scrolling what is there to do?  Scroll.  Watch. Scroll.  Watch.  Laugh.  Cry.  Buy.

    Emotions are manipulated by an algorithm that was not designed to let you feel them and be more human but to guide you to click and subscribe.  If you would be so kind as to hit that merchandise store too, that would be great.

     Let’s say we’ve been lucky enough to break the cycle.  Now what?  What was the reason to watch and scroll?  Was it a search for something useful?  Could it have been driven by determination?  Could it have been a search driven by ambition?

     Ambition feels like determination’s seductive sibling.  It’s the one constantly telling you ‘You look good in that outfit’ or asking ‘Have you lost a few pounds?’ and winking at you. 

     Determination feels like the drive to accomplish something.  Ambition feels like the drive to accomplish something and be recognized for it.

     Years ago, the goal at work was to do a good job, get a pay check, and be left alone.  The idea was to make enough to pay off a credit card or save up to put a down payment on a house or buy a car.  In some cases, those ideas were replaced when, in striving for your own personal goal, a work milestone was hit.  

     There was maybe an Employee of The Month or a Top Sales award or a shout out that garnered a bonus.  This is fine.  It only becomes a problem when you constantly chase the Employee of the Month or the Top Sales Award or constantly do something for that shout out.  This ambition might alienate others who then feel like they are only a stepping stone in helping to achieve a goal.

     When you push from drive to determination to ambition be sure to stay on track so you don’t crash into the hellish fourth wall.  Once you start chasing employee of the month or top sales or shout outs, you, if you aren’t careful, can unknowingly slide beyond determination’s seductive sibling to become its creepy cousin, desperation.

     When you are young and hungry you might not know you are desperate.  That desperation to learn or succeed can be channeled back towards determination and settle into drive.  It has to be done right.  If it’s not, determination will come off as nothing more than ambitious desperation.

     What happens if you start out wanting employee of the month or the top sale or the shout outs and you don’t get them?  Frustration.  Frustration + determination can sometimes smell of desperation.  

     What happens when this spills out into life, dating, general existing?  Could it be the reason for trying to escape by scrolling and watching and watching and scrolling?  

     Maybe we don’t need to be the perfect employee of the month, top sales rep, best husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, writer, musician, mechanic, father, mother, son, or daughter.  Could we be happy by just trying to be good?  Not the best or the worst but the good. 

     Years were spent trying not only to be the best employee, the best writer, the musician, and the best dating choice.  It all ended in deep frustration.  There was a time when I wanted to be with someone.  I was lucky enough to then be with her.  I could never shake the feeling that I was holding her back from being with the person she really deserved to be with in life because I didn’t feel like the perfect dating choice.

     There was losing out on a promotion or raise and being so angry even though getting the promotion or raise wasn’t really what was wanted.  

     I remember working at a job that had a promise of a Big Pay Day.  I took the job because my Dad was sick and I felt if I could find the formula, I could fund the family.  The problem was I wouldn’t be there to help BUT if it all worked out, I could cover the costs.

     I was on the road for 2 hours a day and I sat in an office for 12 hours a day looking for that big deal.  It never came.  I never made employee of the month or top sales.  I was too tired to be there for him when he passed away.  My frustration killed all of the drive and the determination.  The desperation didn’t allow me to enjoy the last months, days, or hours.

     I have never had lower moments in my life than when I was chasing someone else’s perception of happiness.  I have always had the highest highs when I have taken time to acknowledge the good and allowed myself to experience the joy around me.

     Lately I have been taking time to inhale deep and let my shoulders drop.  I plant my feet on the floor and stretch. Each day I push the door open a little further and find another reason to let myself experience joy.  

     I would like to think that I am not desperate now.  There is still a lot of clutter to work through.  I would like to think that I am determined to do better.  I admit there will be the occasional overshoot while I try to make up for lost time.  Unfortunately to those who are just coming in without knowing the back story, this determination to do better could come off as nothing more than ambitious desperation.

The Problem

      The problem is not what I thought it would be.  I used to picture the stereotypical.  I pictured the stumbling and the slurring of words.  I used to picture rumpled clothes and smell of alcohol from yards away.
     There used to be a restaurant in Barrington.  An older couple would come in every weekend and have dinner.  During the course of the night while I was bussing tables the wife would always make sure the waiter kept her wine glass full.  Midway through dinner she would begin an argument.  You could constantly hear the husband quietly saying “Shhhh, darling, we’re not at home.  What would these good people think of you if you started yelling like you do when we’re at home?”
     He would apologize to the staff when they were on the way out.  He always tipped extra.  Come to find out later it was his way of having a quiet night out.  She wouldn’t yell as much when she was in public and would normally be ‘asleep’ by the time they got home.
     I pictured the alcohol problem as concentrated incidents.  Someone would spend the night throwing up in a bathroom.  You fight to get someone’s keys so they don’t drive home from the party, bar, or hotel.  There is a person who sits at the bar from the time he gets out of work until the bar closes.  He (normally he) is typically cut off after one too many attempts at grab ass with the waitresses or the bartender picks up on the slurring and glossy eyes.
     There is a ‘This shit will never happen to me’ mentality.  It hits everyone different.  You never see it coming and that hit changes you.
     There was a moment when I went from having a second glass of wine to thinking about opening that second bottle to realizing I was on my second glass in my second bottle.
     I would be working on a project.  I would start around noon with an empty screen and an idea.  There would be a moment of music or a written paragraph here and a sip of Merlot there.  I could work until midnight and never be ‘drunk’ but a whole bottle would disappear.  Then it went from enhancing my ideas to being my main idea.  Rather than having a drink between takes or creative sparks, it became a creative spark between drinks.
     I would have a glass or two while playing or writing hoping an idea would hit as hard as the buzz.  It never got beyond the buzz but it never got below.
     The missing mornings would be chalked up to working late into the night but there would never be anything to show for all of that late night work but an empty bottle or two.
     The CouchSpirAssy had found its partner in crime.  In doing so it also messed up.  Most of the time things aren’t stopped because they should be stopped.  Things are stopped because they are inconvenient.  The inconvenience is usually discovered by accident.
     Because so much time had been spent in front of a screen writing or playing music, my electric bill was a bit higher that month.  Some chilly nights I wrote with a little space heater on to stay warm.  If I was playing music, the keyboard, drum machine, computer, amps, and speakers were plugged in for recording and playback.
     When I went to pay the bill, I noticed my bank balance was a bit light.  I checked to see where the funds went.  The amount of the bill could have been paid twice over by the multiple subscriptions, food deliveries, and trips to the winery I had slipped into by giving into the CouchSpirAssy.  I would be able to pay the bill but I would have to wait until my next pay cycle and it would be paid with a late fee.  
     This was my inconvenience.  I got lucky.  It was a wake up call.  I started getting rid of the unnecessary subscriptions.  I cut back on the food delivery and, with a bit of difficulty, the wine.  I’ve known people jolted awake by serious falls, lost friends, totaled cars, and broken relationships.
     I had to inhale deep, let my shoulders drop, plant my feet on the floor, stretch, and shake it out.  When reality hits, it hits hard and it hits everyone different.  You never see it coming and that hit changes you.

In Theory

      In theory it should have worked.  But it was destined to fail because it had a few machines against it.  The timing also crushed the momentum.  You can’t have an idea like that and a time like that hit together.  It is a recipe for disaster.
     Don’t get me wrong.  It is a great idea if you really know what you’re getting into long term.  If you see a video here or there and give it a try without knowing what you’re getting into, you will hit the brick wall.  You will be so overwhelmed that paralysis will kick in and nothing will be accomplished.
     The idea that you will be able to just wake up and clear out every closet, dresser, cabinet, and nook and cranny in the attic, basement, or garage would be wonderful.
     The goal is to get rid of the things that weigh you down and just keep the things that bring you happiness and joy.  Therein lies the rub.  Most people don’t know what truly brings them happiness or joy.  This is the main reason you have most of the things you are thinking about throwing out.
     At some point that tool/game/project/toy/outfit seemed like a great idea.  It was great until it wasn’t.  For years the idea was “You just need to buy ONE more thing and that will finally give you happiness!” until, you know, it didn’t.
     When the idea of minimalism came around it seemed to strike a chord.  “Maybe if I get rid of all of the shit I bought that is making me miserable, THAT will give me happiness.”
     I have a box of black trash bags.  I recently tried to clear a jam packed closet in my house.  I had on a sweatshirt, jeans, and a pair of gloves.  There was a plan to clear out everything and either hit the dump before they close for the day or get the bags on the sidewalk for the trash man to pick up the next morning.
     2 hours later nothing had been accomplished because I’d found a box of 30 year old photos and spent most of the time texting, “Holy Shit!  We were so young!” to everyone in the photos whose number I still had in my phone.  
     If it wasn’t that, it was bills, letters, cassette tapes, or some other nostalgia bait that ground whatever progress I was hoping to accomplish to a complete halt.
     “But … but the Throw It All Away Woman and those minimalist guys said …” or “it didn’t seem like it would be this hard in the video on you/twit/face/insta/treads”.  Of course it didn’t.  You are trying to give up things that at some point really meant something to you.  Even if eventually they didn’t, you wanted them to mean something to you.
     Covid was one of the machines that did not help.  Everything was going great for those who managed to clean out their apartments, houses, and condos.  The idea was you kept no excess in your space.  If you needed something you could always go to the store, library, gym, or restaurant.  
     Once again, in theory this would have worked if the world hadn’t shut down the stores, libraries, gyms, and restaurants.  When the space that was your escape from the rest of the world becomes your world and there is no escape from it, it will never be enough space.
     The CouchSpirAssy, another machine, is in full effect.  It whispers “watch those videos, sit on that couch, don’t question why you are paying $20 to watch a movie the same day it releases in the theater.  Get that wallet out of your back pocket.”
     In theory, the happiness and joy we are looking for reside within us.  We’ve been told external items (minimalism, maximalism, etc.) hold the keys to this happiness and joy.  The thing is the door isn’t locked.  Most of us spend so much time looking for keys we really don’t need.  
     Inhale deep.  Let your shoulders drop.  Plant your feet on the floor, stretch, and give the door a try.  If it feels locked, it might just be stuck.  Push a little harder.
     I know I’m going to push a little harder.  Lately I’m trying not to let myself get so overwhelmed that paralysis kicks in and nothing gets accomplished. 

The CouchSpirAssy

     The sad truth is that the couch has power.  It’s like an ass magnet.  It pulls your ass down and gets you so comfortable that you just don’t want to leave.  There’s like a weird conspiracy.  I call it The CouchspirAssy.  Sometimes the urge to do nothing outweighs everything else.
     You don’t even know you’re doing nothing.  One of the great cons of The CouchspirAssy is that you can convince yourself you are accomplishing tasks.  ‘How is that possible’ you ask?  Excellent question.
     How many times over the last four years have you found yourself scribbling down an idea or doing research on something that eventually goes nowhere?  You’ve convinced yourself that you’ve done something but in all honesty nothing has been accomplished.  There is a strong possibility this has taken place on the couch.
     It’s gotten even worse.  With twit/face/insta/space you can lose HOURS of time.  Maybe you’ll find a recipe you can’t wait to try only to still call for take out.  Maybe you’ll find a do it yourself solution to fix that hole in the wall/squeaky floorboard/light fixture only to still be screwing around with that same hole in the wall/squeaky floorboard/light fixture six months later.  You probably watched twit/face/insta/space videos about this.  Where did you watch these videos?  You guessed it … on the couch.
     Who has started the 52 week money challenge?  Who has maxxed out their 401 (k)?  Who has done the Marie Kondo declutter?  Who is doing 100 squats a day (there will be a rant about this later)?  
     Who did those crazy 30 day challenges?  Cold showers?  Running 1 mile a day?  Quitting sugar?  Quitting caffeine?  Journaling?  10,000 steps?
     Where did you watch these videos? Either lying in bed or glued to the couch.
     Watching these videos and not doing the challenge is a time suck.  Your couch, your ass, and these apps know this.  The couch and the apps are conspiring to keep your ass glued to whatever they want to show you.
     The best way to keep your ass comfortable is to remove any friction so it doesn’t cause you any irritation.  It does this by removing anything that might be between your ass and the couch.
     ‘How does it do that’, you ask?  Excellent question.  These videos are powered by ads.  The ads are like a subconscious tap on the shoulder to click a link and spend.  You remove your wallet from your back pocket, making a deeper ass/couch connection.
     Though you may be inspired to do something by watching the main video you are lulled back into complacency by the ad.  This ad catches your attention and lulls you back into that comfy cozy spot on the couch.  With your wallet/purse/credit card already out you make that easy purchase, get that dopamine hit, and sink deeper into that comfy cozy couch.
     Stand up for a moment.  Inhale deep.  Let your shoulders drop.  Plant your feet on the floor, stretch, and shake it out.  Walk away from the screen.  The CouchSpirAssy doesn’t have to be as deep as it seems.  Sometimes the urge to do nothing can be outweighed, not watching other people do something, but by actually doing something.