Day 103 - Voicemail

     I flew down the stairs.  I was running a few minutes late but I had to do one last idiot check to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything.
     Keys.  Check.
     Snack and lunch for the day.  Check.
     Turn off the bathroom sink after the cat begged me to drink from it.  Check.
     Cat food so she doesn't destroy my house while I'm gone.  Check.
     Cell phone.  Check.
     "Oh shit."  I said remembering Marrianne's scratchy call from last week.  I checked my watch.  I still had a minute for a quick call.
     The phone went straight to voicemail.  That was strange.  I planned to leave a message apologizing for not having something for her to click on this morning.  I've been busy.  The world has been a bit unforgiving lately.  I was a bit shocked to hear the phone go directly to voicemail.  Something was up.
     "Hey pretty girl, I haven't forgotten about you."  I looked at the clock and took a deep breath.  "I just wanted to call you and let you know that I'm o.k.  There will be something up today.  I can't say when but I wanted to let you know just in case you get distracted from your distraction I did have something up and ready for you."
     I opened the door to my home office and turned the computer on.
     "I guess the voice won the next few rounds,"  I thought back to the machine's offer of the glass of wine while I pet the cat and lay on the couch, "but I've got this.  I'll talk to you soon."
     Making sure the machines don't grind my soul into the ground.  Check

Day 102 - Distractions

     The buzzing of the cell phone woke me out of a mild slumber.  When I remember, I set it on the table across the room.  It forces me to get up and walk before I answer it.  I do this in hopes that I'm not still snoozing for the first few minutes of the conversation.  I also try to put the phone down so I don't fall asleep while scrolling through twit/face/sound/space and drop it on my face.

     "Hey!  Hello! What's happening?!?"  I said obviously just waking up.  In my haste to prove I was awake I forgot to check the caller i.d.

     "Hello," said a familiar voice through a scratchy cell phone connection.  "Did I wake you up?"

     "No, I was just..." I stammered.  "Yeah... kind of.  Who is this?" I said rubbing my eyes.

     "It's Marrianne, silly.  What's going on?"

     "I'm just a bit distracted."  I said unplugging the cell from the wall charger so I could get back to the couch.

     "I know," she said with a bit of an edge.  "It's been almost two months since I've read anything new from you."

     "I've been..."

     "You know when we were younger," she continued, "you would get depressed and just disappear.  You would grow out your beard and not talk to anyone.  It's different from the hibernation because when you're in hibernation you're focused.  When you're depressed you wander like a man lost.

     "I'm just calling you to make sure you aren't lost.  You aren't lost, are you?"  I could feel her piercing blue eyes looking into my soul for some sort of answer through the scratchy connection.

     I let my eyes move from the ceiling to the floor.  I ran my hand over my beard and looked over to where my phone had been.  I saw handwritten notes and a few receipts from my second favorite bar.

     "I'm ok."  I said.  "I've been busy thinking and not doing."  I took a deep breath and put my feet back on the floor.

     "Well you need to get busy doing," she said with determination.  "You need to get back out there and get it done."

     "Are you ok?" I asked realizing that her voice had a little bit more of an edge than usual.  I knew that she was raising two kids under 10 and helping her husband build his business but this seemed urgent.

     "I am fine."  She declared.  "I just need my distraction back.  I need to know I can click in on a Monday morning and see you there.  I haven't seen you in a while so I had to make sure you're ok.  You being ok let's me know that I'm ok."

    "I'll be back soon," I reassured her.

    A small voice in the background asked for her Mommy.

    "I have to go."  She said.  "Soon isn't soon enough."  She hung up as the little voice in the background asked for Mommy again.

     I stumbled into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror.  The hot water felt good against my face.  The beard came off much quicker than I remembered in the past.

     It's amazing how the buzzing of a cell phone can wake me out of a mild slumber before it gets too deep.

Day 101 - Journey

My heart beats a little bit slower. My mind races to keep itself occupied. Sleep eases this sometimes. I don't remember the dreams often. It's like I start in one place and appear in another, never remembering the journey but still passing the time.

I hope to see you soon my friend and enjoy a few moments worth remembering on this journey worth taking.

I've been thinking about our individual transitions.  I think in the midst of stress and life and time and distance we have settled into a distant yet wonderful friendship.  I honestly think we have progressed to the point where we could go a year without seeing each other.  When we do we would enjoy each others company like it was yesterday.

At first I was a bit taken aback by the thought.  It seems like we are becoming those two people who meet in the park and laugh.  We talk of how our lives have been while we drink wine and eat in a nice restaurant.  We remember all that was and think about all that will be.  We leave thinking of the good times knowing there will be more but not knowing when.

I miss you, my friend.  I hope you are well. I hope to see you soon.  Until I do my heart beats a little bit slower.

That Beautiful Black Man

Day 100 - Walls

When people can't see behind the walls you have built they expend all of their energy trying to get in to see what you have hidden.

If people see that you have no walls but understand that you have strong sense of being they hesitate and rethink their position.  

High strong walls do you no good if you are still vulnerable once they are breached.

Your best bet is balance.  

Day 99 - Clink Clank

     "The page looks a little blank." said the voice looking over my shoulder.  "Usually you have something ready to go.  You have some anecdote or witty story that you drag out into some pseudo tale of whoa or wonder."

     The machines had increased their presence recently.  They had gone from a whisper to a hum and were advancing to a knock.  The steady whir was returning to the metallic clink-clank of old.

     "What's the matter?"  It asked.  "Nothing to say?  Have you lost your momentum?"  The machines seemed to be watching with anticipation.  The nagging of the voice fueled their fire.

     "What are you waiting for?  Are you waiting for a miracle to happen?  Do you expect words to fall from the sky?"

     I sat quietly and looked at the blank page.  The cursor blinked back at me.  It's timing seemed to be in sync with the metal clink-clank of the machines.  It was begging me to sit back and admit defeat.

     The machines were waiting for the next words from the voice.  They seemed to have a new champion.

     "Why don't you tell me of your latest conquest?"  It hissed.  "Why don't you let me know what a deep feeling soul you are?"  It mocked me while it moved from shoulder to shoulder.  "Don't you have anything?"

     The cursor blinked in sync with the clinking.  I looked across the room.  The kitchen clock ticked quietly in the distance.  I almost didn't hear it over the muted clink-clank of the machines.

     I looked into my living room.  My cat was curled in a ball on the arm of the chair.  I was tempted to walk over and give her a little scratch on the forehead.  Every time I scratched her forehead she would close her eyes real tight and push into my fingers.  She would then roll on to her back and let me scratch under her chin.  She was adorable.

     "Maybe you should do that," it whispered.  "Have a glass of wine.  Scratch your cat and relax on your couch.  You're at home.  You don't have to be at work until tomorrow.  There's no need to push yourself.  These things...they end, you know?  Nobody cares.  You realize that, don't you?  Nobody cares.

     "What do you think?  Wine?  Cat? Couch?  Get comfortable where you are."

     The cursor continued to blink in sync with the rising clink-clank.  There was a quiet yawn from my kitty as she moved into an even more comfortable position.  I didn't understand how she could be so peaceful with the clink-clank in the background.  The wine was on the other side of the wall.  I could see the wine glass out of the corner of my left eye.

     "I think," I said feeling my fingers start to type, "You should shut the fuck up and go get me a cup of coffee."

     For the first time in hours I could hear the gentle purring of my cat while she slept.  I could hear the kitchen clock clearly.  Mostly I could hear the silence of the machines.

     "Mix it with hot chocolate."  I said still typing.  "It cuts the bitterness."

     The cursor continued to lead me across the page.  Words were dropping from the sky.  The miracle I was waiting for was almost lost while waiting for a miracle.

Day 98 - Tasty Tuesdays Part 2

     "What makes you think I want to sleep with you?"  She asked finishing her saki.

     "Really, Valencia?"  I was surprised.  Almost two hours had passed since she had let me know everything was ok with a laugh.  We had even paid the bill and were getting dirty looks from the staff.

     We had discussed her most recent trip to Spain to see family.  She had asked me about how my Mom was doing.  I knew she had become VP of her international consulting firm.  I knew most of the men and women who work for her made ten times what I made.  I knew not because she told me but because I was familiar with the company.

     She knew I was less of a mess than I had been in the past.  She knew I set my sites on someone.  She knew I had the momentum to maintain a groove but not to get trapped in a rut.

     Her question brought us back to my previous statement.  'I have decided not to sleep with you.'  This was the moment where things always took the turn.  Things never happen right away.  A fuse is lit.  An idea is sparked.  A question is asked.  Most people don't realize that all initial responses are knee jerk responses.  Sometimes you have to take time to take in the new direction that life has given you.

     "Well," I said answering her question, "there was the parking lot the last time we were here.  There was the top floor of the Trump Towers - before we got kicked out.  I remember your second apartment in midtown."

     "Go on," she said resting her cheek in her right hand.  A smile was on her face.

     "The train after the going away party."  I put my hands together.  That was one of my great memories.  

     "Votre besos."  She said sitting back in her chair.

     "Cuando tú hablas Espanol, hablas despacio," I said digging deep in the reserve of rusty Spanish.

     "And I love it when you try," she said smiling and touching my hand.

     "I'm not trying to..." This time it was her turn to interrupt me.

     "It's your kiss."  Her explanation was simple.  "I like the way you kiss me.  You don't push.  You don't beg.  You respond.  Your body listens to mine."

     I felt the slick smile cut across my face.  I couldn't tell if it was the unfiltered saki finally kicking in or hearing a her say that she liked kissing me.

     "But just because I love the way you kiss me," she continued, "doesn't mean that I want to sleep with you."

     "I'm flattered.  I was always afraid that if things went too far you wouldn't talk to me or I'd just be another guy."

     "You'll never be just another guy.  I hope things work out with this girl," she said as we walked out to the parking lot.

     "Me, too."  I gave her a big hug.

     "No kiss for you tonight and you know why."  I shut the door to her little sports car.  

     Things had taken a turn.  A fuse was lit.  I walked back to my car taking time to take in the new direction life was giving me.

Day 98 - Tasty Tuesdays

     "I don't know how you can eat those things," she said as I prepared my soy sauce.  "They just look like slugs to me.  I don't like how they feel in my mouth."

     "That makes sense," I answered mixing in just enough wasabi to lighten the deep mahogany brown.  "My sister actually had to bring me sushi the first time.  We did baby steps.  Eventually it got to the point where I'll go sushi searching on my own.  It started out as an acquired taste but now I really look forward to it."

     It was Tuesday.  Monday night was half priced wings but I wanted to switch it up.

     "The hibachi here is really good.  They also have a vegetarian menu so I figured you'd be ok."

     "Everything is good so far," she said drowning her stir fry in sauce.  "How are your slugs?"  She smiled.

     I took my first bite of the fresh fish and my eyes rolled.  I liked Tuesday here because the senior chef was back from the weekend.  He took Sundays and Mondays off to recoup from busy Friday and Saturday nights.  I quietly referred to these days as Tasty Tuesdays.  It was like he was back with a vengeance and had something to prove.

     "So good," I said covering my mouth.  "How's the stir fry tofu?"  I asked.  She nodded in approval and gave a thumbs up.

     I sat back and prepared myself for the conversation I've been having lately.  Since the no means never incident I have been approaching things gently.  That woman still hasn't talked to me.  I was convinced/hoping Lennie would have a different reaction.

     She was a statuesque Spaniard.  Her intellect and ambition were on par with Paris.  I was always surprised that they never met.  I couldn't tell if they would be friends, rivals, or enemies.  I am convinced that they might have shared a man or two in their travels but I wouldn't know for certain.  While Paris would mock the men she met Valencia would never tell.

     "I might as well tell you what's on my mind," I said taking a deep breath.

     "You aren't sick are you?" she asked arching her eyebrow towards the ceiling.

     "No!"  I said, laughing.  "I've just been thinking a lot about where I am and where I want to be and I've made a few decisions."

     "You aren't gay are you?"  Her accent thickened as she asked the question.

     "No."  I said laughing even harder.  "No, no, no.  Not that I know of anyway.  What I'm trying to say is that we've been friends for a long time.  We've had this cool back and forth flirtation going on for years..."

     "Look I know what you're going to say," she started to interrupt.

     "BUT," I said finishing my statement, "I've decided not to sleep with you."

     It was as though someone had hit the pause button.  I couldn't gauge what her reaction would be.  Would she walk out like Kerry or slap me like Kristine?  Would she avoid me like Vanessa or stalk my twit/face/sound/space pages like Caitlin does?

     Her laughter was refreshing.  It was new.  It was a big happy laugh that let me know everything was going to be all right for the moment.

     "Sooo. We're still good?" I asked taking a quick bite of the succulent salmon and rice. 

     "Yes," she said contemplating for a moment.  "This is why I love hanging out with you," she sat back in her chair.  "You still surprise me.  You started out as an acquired taste but now I really look forward to seeing you."

Day 97 - I Say Yes

     This is not my favorite bar.  She is not my favorite bartender, but she's growing on me.  Sometime mid hibernation it hit me that it might not be in my best interest to sleep with a bartender who was best friends with our HR person.

     Initially it seemed like a good idea.  I would be the diligent hard working guy at the job and the charming but not overly attentive customer at the bar.  My HR person would put in a good word for me and I would tip well enough to stay on her radar.  Anything sounds like a good idea when you are knee deep in Tequila.

     The cold reality hit me one night before I went to sleep.  Did I want two people who saw different aspects of my life to really talk?  True, due to work restrictions, they weren't really supposed to talk BUT they were best friends.  Everyone knows that best friends talk.  Most people can't keep secrets to save their lives.

     How many times have you heard or even said, "Look I'm not supposed to say anything BUT..." and then watched while the world fell to shit?

     Unlike most, I made the decision to keep my work life separate from the office life.  It's not like I would have a relationship with anyone in the office but dating the best friend of someone you work with is just as bad.  Dating the best friend of someone who could fire you is even worse.

     I had visions of an argument happening one morning before work.  I would be the man and put my foot down and she, being tired from getting home at three in the morning, would finally say 'You know what, you're right.'  I would then get to the office with a bit of a slick smile on my face only to realize that my badge doesn't work anymore.

     Have I given up completely on hooking up with my favorite bartender?  Yes and no. I say no because quitters never win.  

     I say yes because the woman I should have stayed with ten years ago has reappeared.  I say yes because after being angry at the world for almost 20 years I am at peace.  I say yes because I have an understanding of the good and I will share it with you soon.  I say yes because it is time to move forward and make the final step to becoming the man I should be; the man my father would be proud of.  I say yes because I am close to being the man she deserves.

     With that said, I am not at my favorite bar because that would distract me from the end game.  This is not my favorite bar.  She is not my favorite bartender, but she's growing on me.

Day 96 - Letters

     I prefer to write you letters.  When I write you a letter I am taking time out of my day to think about you.  When I write you a letter I actually take my glasses off so I can read what I'm writing.  My age is getting to me.

     I write my letters by hand.  I leave the mistakes to show my humanity.  Sometimes e-mail and text can be too perfect.  Occasionally there is a funny little auto correct but for the most part texts are short pseudo sentences that are a quick action or reaction to something immediate that may or may not need a response.

     When I write to you I stop to look at the world around me and I think about how I can share it with you.  When I text you I look at the screen and try to see how fast my thumbs can move.

     If I'm lucky your text back will be immediate and it will almost be like we're having a conversation.  It doesn't matter if you're in Connecticut coming up with reasons why we can't hang out, in California wondering why we haven't hung out, or in Europe wondering why I won't fly out.

     When I write a letter I'm lucky if the letter gets to you.  Sometimes it is just lost in space.  Other times it is taken by someone who feels I have no business writing to you in the first place.

     When I send you a text lately I have been worried about your safety.  I am hoping that the regional tragedy that has struck your area hasn't somehow taken you, my friend or acquaintance, away from me.  My text is a knee jerk reaction to fear.

     When I send you a letter I have time.  I am safe and I'm hoping you are, too.  I don't have a fear that I'll never see you again.  I'm not worried while I wait for your response back.  It's still like we're having a conversation BUT it's a more leisurely, relaxed conversation where we are allowed to laugh and smile quietly.

     When I read your letters I know you've taken time out of your day to think about me.  I actually have to take my glasses off so I can read what you've written.  My age is getting to me.

Day 95 - Momentum Part 2

     My Father pulled his car just passed the little sedan and clicked on his hazard lights.  You always turn your hazard lights on because you never know what to expect.

     "Stay in the car.  We need to see if we can get this puddle jumper out before the plows come."  The sedan was just passed the turn.  A plow coming at full speed wouldn't see it.  It wouldn't have mattered if we had cell phones at the time.  To this day there is no cell service on that strip of road.

     "OK,” I said.  He stepped out of the car and looked back and forth to see if anything was coming.  I rolled down my window and poked my head out to see what was happening.
     The little sedan was still.
     "Hello,” I heard my father call out.  "Hello?"  A light snow started.  He slowly moved towards the car.
     A young female Stotler rolled the window down.  There were tears in her eyes.
     "My parents are going to kill me," she said.
     "Are you hurt?" he asked.
     "No," she said sadly.  "I'm just stuck.  I was trying to get home from work before the storm."
     He crossed his arms and surveyed the situation.  You could tell he was holding back a lecture.  He looked up and down the road to see if anything was coming other than the storm.
     "Doesn't look like there's any damage to the car.  We can get you out," he finally declared.
     "I don't think," she started.
     "Well, we could drive to the nearest house and call George to see if he'll be able to tow it out.  I think he'll charge about $50.  I don't have $50.  Do you?"
     "No," she said crying a little.
     "I also want to try to get this out before the snow plow comes.  We're too close to the corner for them to see you.  They'll just bury you deeper.  Let me get behind the wheel.  Just let me know if anything is coming around the corner."
      My father sat in the little sedan.  The vehicle moved forward just a little then back just a little.  The next time it moved forward just a bit more then back just a bit more.  Finally, with one great lurch back, the car broke free of its snow prison.
     My father looked at both if us for a second and then drove the car back into the snow bank.
     "What...why...Mr.," she stammered.  "We were out."
     I was confused, too.
     "Come on out of the car, son."  He called, motioning me over to the little sedan.
     "I helped you get the car out.  Did you watch what I did to get it out?"
     "Yes, but,"
     "Good," He said definitively.  "Son, make sure no cars are coming."  I ran to the other side of the road, checked both ways, and gave him the ok sign.
     "You won't always have someone to help you get out when you get stuck.  You need to be able to survey the situation and get your self out when you can.  I know you can do this."
     With a deep breath she climbed into the driver’s seat.  The little sedan moved forward just a little then back just a little.  The next time it moved forward just a bit more then back just a bit more.  Finally it broke free.
     "I did it!"  She said, poking her head out the window.  "I did it.  I did it!"
     "Now, slow and steady," he instructed.  "No reason to try to fly home.  Your house ain't goin' no where.  You just have to get there safe.  Slow and steady is how you do it."
     We watched the car slowly disappear into the night.
     "My sister."  He said as we got back into the car.  "I'll have my sister dance with me at the telethon."

     I looked at him with a bit of confusion.

     "You won't always have someone to help you out when you get stuck but sometimes with a quick survey of the situation you can get out."

    

 

Day 95 - Momentum Part 1

     Winters in New England tend to be long drawn out affairs.  I am not a big fan of the cold or the snow but I must admit one of my favorite sounds in the world is the sound of snow falling at midnight.  Even if the machines are trying to hammer their way through my skull they will stop for a moment to listen and enjoy the peace.

     The ride home with my Dad was quiet.  We were driving home from a theater that had once been a national landmark.  We were going to be in a telethon to raise money for its restoration.

     I was playing a few Hendrix tunes.  He was performing a dance tribute to James Brown.

     "It just needs something," he said.  I could tell he was working out the steps in his head.

     He had plenty of time to work it out.  The recent snowfall made driving home on the back roads a nightmare.

     "Slow and steady," he instructed.  "When you get your license in a few months some of this mess will still be on ground.  No reason to try to fly home.  The house ain't goin' no where.  You just have to get there safe.  Slow and steady is how you do it.  As long as you have the momentum to keep moving you'll get where you need to go."

     A little sedan passed us on the left and disappeared around the corner.

     "No reason for anybody to be passing on roads like this," he said shaking his head. "Isn't that your friend, Stotler?"  He raised an eyebrow.  "Looks like his parents car and they're out of town."

     "No?"  I said, wondering out loud if it was true.  There had been incidents with bikes, quads, and snowmobiles so the question of a Stotler joyride in the snow wasn't far fetched.

     "He doesn't have his license so I don't think he'd be that stupid."  I questioned myself again.

     My father had raised children for years.  He was well aware of the stupidity of teenage boys.

     "All that matters is that the boy gets home safe."  He shook his head with the concern of a parent.

     Curtis Mayfield played quietly in the tape deck.  Between songs you could hear the crunching of snow beneath the tires.  This was just the beginning of the storm.  It was supposed to snow heavily from midnight until mid afternoon the next day.  We would be home well before midnight that night.  Everyone knew school was going to be canceled.  This meant I could stay up and listen to the snowfall.

     "Damn it."  I heard him say as we came around a corner.  The little sedan had gone off the road into a snow bank.

     Winters in New England tend to be long drawn out affairs.

Day 94 - Wings & Things

     "So let me get this straight," continued Derich finishing off the last Thai flavored wing.  "You just let her leave?"

     "She was up and gone before I was able to say anything else and I..."

     "Poohstabber."  He said shaking his head.  He dropped the well picked bone into the basket.  "It's been years and this still seems to be a pattern with you.  Some woman is all about hanging out with you then after a little while she's all about getting away from you."

     "In my defense," I started, about to enjoy one of the dry Cajun wings, "she..."

     "What was the super hot Asian chick's name," he interrupted, "You know?  She's friends with that chick, Paris.  Twinkie, Kinky?"  

     "Kiki, god damn it!  Her name is Kiki."

     "Whatever, the same thing happened with her over and over again."  He took a deep pull on his beer.  "Love these wings by the way."

     I had introduced him to my favorite wing place near work.  It was a rare Sunday that Derich was able to get out.  He was a married man now with two kids under the age of four.  He was happy to do anything that got him out of the house or away from the office for a few hours.

     To everyone's surprise he and the wife were doing really well.  It was one of the few weddings that I actually put money on to last.  The odds were so high against it that even the hardcore wedding folks didn't think it would work out.

     "This is different.  She said no."  I dropped the bone in the basket.  "As far as I'm concerned everything ends at no.  Even if she wants to get down to business later I just can't.  I think of my friend Marcus and how his life fell to shit."

     "This conversation is far too deep for wings and things.  I'm going to need shots if this is going to keep circling the drain."  He bit into a dry Cajun wing and his eyes rolled into the back of his head.

     "You know we can't do shots," I said.  "She'll kill us.  We're both lucky you're out now.  If you call home two hours late, fucked in half drunk, you might as well plan on freezing to death sleeping in your car because she will NOT let you in the house. Personally, I won't be a party to that.  We'll talk about it later."  I picked up the last tasty Cajun wing.

     He pushed himself away from the bar, crossed his arms, and tried to look into my soul.  I could hear the machines starting to whir.

     "You need to get out of your own head.  It's like a pattern with you.  Just when you are about to open things up and get to the next level you find a reason to shut down.  What's going on?"

     I took a quick look up and saw myself in the mirror behind the bottles.  I could clearly see I was hiding but I didn't know what or from whom.  The machines whispering whir cascaded to a cacophonous clanking.

     "Love these wings."  I said as I dropped the last bone in the bucket.

Day 93 - No Means...

     "I hope you don't mind," she said moving back to her side of the couch.

     "I'm fine," I answered waiting for the blood to return to the rest of my body.

     "I've never seen anyone react to a no like that before.  It was so awesome.  Most guys just don't get it.  You just stopped."  She looked comfortable.  "I tell you no and you get it.  No means no."  She came in for a kiss on the cheek.

     I thought back to my friend Marcus and tensed up a bit. 

     "There is a great caveat in the male female dynamic when it comes to the word no," I said quickly backing away.  "I like to stay on the side of caution.  Most guys think of it as a challenge.  I think of it as a definitive statement.  I understand the definition of the word no."

     "Good.  I like that.  Maybe next time..."

     "Oh there won't be a next time."

     "What do you mean?"

     I remember the look on Marcus's face when the police showed up at his parent's house to ask him a few questions about his last date.

     "The good thing about No is that I honor the word.  I don't push.  I don't beg.  I don't plead.  I respect your decision.  But to me no doesn't just mean no.  It means never.

     "It means we can still be friends.  I have handshakes and hugs for you but this situation?  This here?  This won't happen again."

     "What the fuck?!?"  She said.  The comfortable look was gone from her face.  "I tell you no and then you tell me this will never happen?!?  Who the fuck do you think you are?"  I have never seen a woman more angry than when I have said no to her or I have respected her no.

     I remember Marcus sitting on his couch head down in front of his parents recounting the story of his hook up.  I remember the state trooper writing everything down while he occasionally looked at his audio recorder to make sure it was still taping. 

     I remember the trooper noticing discrepancies in the opposing parties statements.  He let Marcus know he would have to go back and look at the situation.  He also let Marcus know even if the prosecutor didn't press charges right away he had three years to change his mind.

     I remember being asked to leave while he talked with his family about what their next moves were.  I remember my friend's voice break with tears just before the door shut.

     "Seriously, who do you think you are?"

     I took a deep breath.  I thought about the irony of this whole thing.  She was the one who said no.  I abided by her wishes.  This wasn't a game to me.  No doesn't just mean no.  No means never.  I thought she was going to hit me.

     "I'm just some guy who wants to make sure there's no doubt in the future.  You said no and I'm abiding by that no.  I didn't question your request to stop.  I ask that you have the decency not to pursue this any further.  When you're less angry this will make sense.  You're welcome to stay and talk if you want but that's about as far as it's going to go."

     She slammed the door on her way out without saying good-bye.

     "I'm fine," I told myself as I took a deep breath and felt the blood return to the rest of my body.

Day 92 - What If

     "I hear your night was a little rough last Thursday," Karen's voice laughed a little through the phone.
     "I'm ok," I answered trying to figure which room of the house I was in.  I had a vague memory of excusing myself to Amber and Tony.  I gave the lame excuse of having to work early on Friday.  Truth is I was thrown back into hibernation mode.
     There is a moment when I'm out and about that a little switch clicks.  No matter what I'm doing or where I am I have an undying urge to get home.  I could be having the best time ever but when that switch clicks it's over.  The world around me becomes mute and it feels like a beacon is blinking in the distance.
     Initially I thought it was because I saw the ex but then I realized that I just wasn't ready to be out yet.
     "Are you sure?" Karen asked snapping me back to attention.  "Tony said you kind of bolted out of there."
     The fact that they still talked amazed me.  I know people who were married for five years that fight tooth and nail for every dime and picture in the house.  These two were together for almost 30 years before they were divorced and still had breakfast on Saturdays.
     "I just had to get out of there.  I wanted to make sure the night didn't get away from me."  I realized I was on the living room couch with my cat sitting on my chest.  "It was in my best interest to have my feet hit the street when they did.
     "It sounds like Tony got home all right.  He did get home all right, didn't he?"  I did a quick check to make sure I was wearing my own clothes.  "I was convinced he was all right."
     "He's ok.  Amber is ok, too.  He called me to let me know he got home all right."  She paused for a moment.  I was waiting for the worst.  I was waiting for the how dare you.  I was waiting for the 'What were you thinking?!?'
     "Thank you," she said quietly.  "Thank you for being a friend to both of us.  Thank you for not taking sides.  Thank you for making this transition as easy as possible."
     My kitty meowed as I sat up and she lost her warm spot.
     "You're welcome, my friend.  Sounds like it wasn't me who had a rough night.  You ok?"
     "Yes.  I know Tony and I did the right thing but every once in a while you remember the good times.  You just ask yourself 'What if?' and you wonder for a moment.  This is just a 'What if' moment."  I remembered having a conversation with Stotler about this a few years ago.
     "You are on a path," I started.  "This is a moment in time.  You don't know what the next moment will bring or if you'll even be around to see it.  I suggest you enjoy each moment like it was your last.  I talked to both of you.  You were almost dead inside and it seemed like you had nothing to give.
     "This is the most alive I've seen the two of you in the past five years.  We all end up where we are supposed to.  You just have to keep moving forward.  Don't let your self get stuck in the past.  You're doing ok.  Most importantly you have this beautiful black man to guide you through."
     "I know," she said laughing a genuine laugh for the first time.  "Every once in a while it's just good to hear a friendly voice.  You should get to work."
     My cat jumped on to her perch to watch the morning sun pour across the yard.
     "I will." I said finally putting my feet on the floor.  "If you need anything let me know."
     "Ok," she said with a heavy sigh.
     "Everything works out for the best."
     Before she hung up the phone Karen thanked me again for being a good friend.  I stretched a deep stretch and took a moment to watch the sun pour across the yard. 

     It's always nice when you can put your feet on the floor and know which room of the house you're in.