The Pushback

      The machines are, as I have come to understand, powered by negative emotions and negative self talk.  They don’t thrive on the self talk or the emotions.  They put you on a slippery slope and thrive on the inaction due to the lack of traction, the inability to get a grip on things.  

     That crushing, squeezing ball of anxiety in my chest that kept me curled up was still energy.  It was energy that wasn’t being expended or used in any way, at least not by me.

     The machines fed off that energy.  It powered their deep need to control my soul.  The less I did, the tighter the grip, the stronger the machines.  Laying curled in the fetal position would not get rid of the pressure.  Standing and stretching would.

     While sitting in front of the tv or staring at a screen watching mindless videos would not dismiss the distress, walking would.  

     There was always a reminder to do 3 things:

1. Get out of bed

1. Take a shower

1. Eat breakfast (this might just mean having a coffee)

     It wasn’t any of these things in particular that pushed back on the machines.  It was the act of doing.  Every bit of energy used to do something else was a bit of energy not accessed by the machines.  Even the energy used to push back was energy not given to the machines.     

     Some days I would just go for a walk.  I didn’t equate the walk with clearing my head.  The walk was using energy so it couldn’t power the negative self talk or the self doubt that powered the machines.

     If nothing is done, the machines use the energy to generate crushing fear and anxiety to feed themselves.  They then create more fear and anxiety to make themselves stronger, essentially paralyzing you.  You are turned into an in house factory.

     The simple act of going for a walk, stretching, doing yoga, taking a shower, or getting out of the house took the energy from the machines and gave it back to me.

     The problem; walking to an office where I didn’t want to be fed the machines.  The anxiety created every day by walking to a job I had grown to dislike left me as hollow as laying curled in the fetal position or staring at a screen watching mindless videos.  Every day, that is, except that one.

    That day I had a little extra energy in my step.  Each move forward was a step further away from the darkness.  I had scheduled a sit down face to face interview with another company.

     It was set up as a casual interview at Brisket, Mac & Cheese.  Even if I bumped into another associate I could just say that I was just having lunch with another friend in the business.

     Best case scenario, I got a job that got me out of my current state of mind.  Worst case scenario, I got some tasty brisket, Mac & cheese and the knowledge that I still had the ability to put plans into motion.  That day the energy would be used to walk the walk and talk the talk.  I was hoping to thrive on the traction of my action.

The Jolt

      The Jolt came from deep inside.  It was a middle of the night thing.  I woke up with my lungs on fire and a feeling like someone had a fist wrapped around my heart.  I was in a cold sweat.

     The cycle had continued.  Another $228 replaced the standard pay check.  Another withdrawal had been made against a once substantial safety net.

     I had made a promise to myself that this time I was really going to start looking for a way out.  I considered it a prison.  The problem wasn’t the job.  It was me. 

     Derich had been right.  It was time to stop talking and start doing.  The thing is, it’s always time to stop talking and start doing.  I was just tired.  I closed my eyes and tried to lull myself back to sleep.

     The jolt was the whiny little piece of me that didn’t want to work at this job mixed with another part of me that wanted to start my own thing but never did.  The jolt was that part that had been sitting quietly in the background waiting for me to get comfortable only so it could show me everything I had to lose.

     The jolt was strangely familiar but much stronger.  Its wings had become fists that, rather than carry it across the gentle meadow, were grasping at anything to hang on for dear life.  These were the fists that would wrap around my heart in my sleep and light the fire in my lungs.

     The jolt was every insecurity and self-doubt manifest in the physical form of soul crushing anxiety.

     “Of course, you haven’t looked for another job, yet.  You should be happy to have this one.  But it doesn’t matter they’ll realize you aren’t good enough and fire you soon.

     “You know why you are only friends with these women?  Because none of them want you.  They talk to you because they feel sorry for you.

     “Of course, Tessa wants to date you.  She has daddy issues.  You’re smart not to date her.  You’d just make a fool of yourself, again.  Just like you did with Connie and Tabitha.

     “And yes, Derich was also right about you.  You aren’t good enough to realize your dreams.”

     And with that I was jolted awake again.

     The jolt was The Machines.  They had returned stronger than ever.  They were manufacturing self-loathing and fear on a scale the greatest factories couldn’t match.  They had used my latest spiral as a key to escape their prison.  They weren’t looking for a way out, they had found it.  It was me.

Conference In California

      “Just as a precaution, and let me say I think it is far too much, Harris, Harris & Rickman has opted not to have their ‘Conference in California’ event this year,” announced the owner of the firm.  “They’re freaked out.  This whole thing is going to blow over.  Personally, I think they’re going to be hating themselves in May when half the firms are referring someone else.  Cowards.”
     “I mean is it really that bad?” asked one of the secretaries.
     “Of course not!” He said.  “The president just gave a conference last week saying this is a problem in Chiii-naaa,” he laughed to himself a bit, imitating the commander in chief.  “Besides, we all wash our hands.”
     “I know he’s your favorite,” stated another secretary, “but that man is just a horrible human being.”
     “Careful,” he said, hands confidently crossed in his lap.  “You are quite possibly talking about the greatest president since George Washington.”  He wasn’t kidding.  
     One of the female account reps just rolled her eyes and walked back to her office.
     “So the Conference in California is canceled?  Ok.  I need to book up some appointments for that week.”
     “I mean, didn’t they already buy the tickets for everyone and reserve the hotels?”  I thought about Amber’s canceled meetings and Tom saying the situation in China was worse than anyone actually knew.
     “They’ll just write this shit off,” the owner stated, “then they’ll suffer in the summer.”
     “Did you ever see that movie with that guy from Boston and that super hot English guy about the virus … you know the one where the mother and son died in the first 10 minutes?” started the secretary.
     “Seriously,” said the female rep.  “What the fuck?”
     “Look,” said the owner, “the greatest president of our lifetime just said there shouldn’t be a problem, so there shouldn’t be a problem.”
     I felt my stomach churn.  It had been so obvious for so long.  This was the final straw that let me know I had to get out.  Most of the time I admired the owner’s enthusiasm but let me say this time I think it was far too much.

The Prime Method

     “So it’s a contract,” said Marrianne blowing on her spicy tea.

     “Damn that tea smells good.  What flavors do you have other than cinnamon?”

     “Blueberry, lavender, vanilla, and green tea.”

     “I’d like to try the blueberry, please.”

     When she opened the tea tin the smell was amazing.  It actually smelled like fresh blueberries.

     “You got these at work?”

     Marrianne had had another banner year.  On top of a financial incentive, they liked to give little gifts they thought people would appreciate.  This year, along with a 5 figure bonus, she got a satchel of 5 hockey puck sized gourmet tea tins.  Each tin had a different flavor.  There were 3 to 5 tea bags per tin.  It was a tease of tasty teas.

     She also received a small jar of local high quality honey.

     “Yes.”

     “I’m sorry,” I said lost in the cinnamon scent.  “I swear it’s the last time I’ll talk about my new phone.  But yeah, that’s what I said, it’s a contract.  BUT at the same time it’s $200 less than if I bought the phone outright.”

     “Can’t really argue with that.”

     “AND,” I said waving a finger in the air, “I have early access to the newest phones when they come out.  I can trade in or swap out my…”

     “Contract,” she said, rolling her eyes as she finished my sentence.  “They’ll get you any way they can.  It’s not a ‘contract’ ,” she said making air quotes, “it’s an extended discount.  It’s all such bullshit.”

     When the hot water hit the blueberry scented satchel the smell jumped to another level.

     “Take this tea.  They offer a subscription service.  Different teas every month.  It can get expensive as hell.  They get you when they pair it with honey, or chocolates, or mugs.  That’s what’s gonna happen with your phone.  They’ll get you with the watch, the earbuds, the tablets.  You name it.

     “What are you gonna do next year when the latest and greatest comes out?”

     The tablespoon of organic honey melted into the steeping water as she lifted and replaced the teabag.

     “I thought about that and I have come up with the prime method.”

     “What is the prime method?”

     “Example: This is the 11.  Theoretically the next phone I would let myself buy is the 13,”

     “Which,” she said knowingly, “is riiiight about when the ‘not a contract’ will be at it’s end.”

     “Well, probably the 14, but yes. NOW I won’t buy it because the upgrade won’t be good enough.  Next phone I’ll probably look at is the…”

     “17,” she finished, shaking her head.

     “Yes,” I said snapping my fingers.  “Same goes for the tablet, earbuds, or the watch.  I should be good for the next 5 years provided the phone lasts that long.  I will literally be buying these things at their prime.”

     She just shook her head and sipped her tease of tasty tea