The Jolt

      The Jolt came from deep inside.  It was a middle of the night thing.  I woke up with my lungs on fire and a feeling like someone had a fist wrapped around my heart.  I was in a cold sweat.

     The cycle had continued.  Another $228 replaced the standard pay check.  Another withdrawal had been made against a once substantial safety net.

     I had made a promise to myself that this time I was really going to start looking for a way out.  I considered it a prison.  The problem wasn’t the job.  It was me. 

     Derich had been right.  It was time to stop talking and start doing.  The thing is, it’s always time to stop talking and start doing.  I was just tired.  I closed my eyes and tried to lull myself back to sleep.

     The jolt was the whiny little piece of me that didn’t want to work at this job mixed with another part of me that wanted to start my own thing but never did.  The jolt was that part that had been sitting quietly in the background waiting for me to get comfortable only so it could show me everything I had to lose.

     The jolt was strangely familiar but much stronger.  Its wings had become fists that, rather than carry it across the gentle meadow, were grasping at anything to hang on for dear life.  These were the fists that would wrap around my heart in my sleep and light the fire in my lungs.

     The jolt was every insecurity and self-doubt manifest in the physical form of soul crushing anxiety.

     “Of course, you haven’t looked for another job, yet.  You should be happy to have this one.  But it doesn’t matter they’ll realize you aren’t good enough and fire you soon.

     “You know why you are only friends with these women?  Because none of them want you.  They talk to you because they feel sorry for you.

     “Of course, Tessa wants to date you.  She has daddy issues.  You’re smart not to date her.  You’d just make a fool of yourself, again.  Just like you did with Connie and Tabitha.

     “And yes, Derich was also right about you.  You aren’t good enough to realize your dreams.”

     And with that I was jolted awake again.

     The jolt was The Machines.  They had returned stronger than ever.  They were manufacturing self-loathing and fear on a scale the greatest factories couldn’t match.  They had used my latest spiral as a key to escape their prison.  They weren’t looking for a way out, they had found it.  It was me.