Day 103 - Voicemail

     I flew down the stairs.  I was running a few minutes late but I had to do one last idiot check to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything.
     Keys.  Check.
     Snack and lunch for the day.  Check.
     Turn off the bathroom sink after the cat begged me to drink from it.  Check.
     Cat food so she doesn't destroy my house while I'm gone.  Check.
     Cell phone.  Check.
     "Oh shit."  I said remembering Marrianne's scratchy call from last week.  I checked my watch.  I still had a minute for a quick call.
     The phone went straight to voicemail.  That was strange.  I planned to leave a message apologizing for not having something for her to click on this morning.  I've been busy.  The world has been a bit unforgiving lately.  I was a bit shocked to hear the phone go directly to voicemail.  Something was up.
     "Hey pretty girl, I haven't forgotten about you."  I looked at the clock and took a deep breath.  "I just wanted to call you and let you know that I'm o.k.  There will be something up today.  I can't say when but I wanted to let you know just in case you get distracted from your distraction I did have something up and ready for you."
     I opened the door to my home office and turned the computer on.
     "I guess the voice won the next few rounds,"  I thought back to the machine's offer of the glass of wine while I pet the cat and lay on the couch, "but I've got this.  I'll talk to you soon."
     Making sure the machines don't grind my soul into the ground.  Check

Day 102 - Distractions

     The buzzing of the cell phone woke me out of a mild slumber.  When I remember, I set it on the table across the room.  It forces me to get up and walk before I answer it.  I do this in hopes that I'm not still snoozing for the first few minutes of the conversation.  I also try to put the phone down so I don't fall asleep while scrolling through twit/face/sound/space and drop it on my face.

     "Hey!  Hello! What's happening?!?"  I said obviously just waking up.  In my haste to prove I was awake I forgot to check the caller i.d.

     "Hello," said a familiar voice through a scratchy cell phone connection.  "Did I wake you up?"

     "No, I was just..." I stammered.  "Yeah... kind of.  Who is this?" I said rubbing my eyes.

     "It's Marrianne, silly.  What's going on?"

     "I'm just a bit distracted."  I said unplugging the cell from the wall charger so I could get back to the couch.

     "I know," she said with a bit of an edge.  "It's been almost two months since I've read anything new from you."

     "I've been..."

     "You know when we were younger," she continued, "you would get depressed and just disappear.  You would grow out your beard and not talk to anyone.  It's different from the hibernation because when you're in hibernation you're focused.  When you're depressed you wander like a man lost.

     "I'm just calling you to make sure you aren't lost.  You aren't lost, are you?"  I could feel her piercing blue eyes looking into my soul for some sort of answer through the scratchy connection.

     I let my eyes move from the ceiling to the floor.  I ran my hand over my beard and looked over to where my phone had been.  I saw handwritten notes and a few receipts from my second favorite bar.

     "I'm ok."  I said.  "I've been busy thinking and not doing."  I took a deep breath and put my feet back on the floor.

     "Well you need to get busy doing," she said with determination.  "You need to get back out there and get it done."

     "Are you ok?" I asked realizing that her voice had a little bit more of an edge than usual.  I knew that she was raising two kids under 10 and helping her husband build his business but this seemed urgent.

     "I am fine."  She declared.  "I just need my distraction back.  I need to know I can click in on a Monday morning and see you there.  I haven't seen you in a while so I had to make sure you're ok.  You being ok let's me know that I'm ok."

    "I'll be back soon," I reassured her.

    A small voice in the background asked for her Mommy.

    "I have to go."  She said.  "Soon isn't soon enough."  She hung up as the little voice in the background asked for Mommy again.

     I stumbled into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror.  The hot water felt good against my face.  The beard came off much quicker than I remembered in the past.

     It's amazing how the buzzing of a cell phone can wake me out of a mild slumber before it gets too deep.

Day 101 - Journey

My heart beats a little bit slower. My mind races to keep itself occupied. Sleep eases this sometimes. I don't remember the dreams often. It's like I start in one place and appear in another, never remembering the journey but still passing the time.

I hope to see you soon my friend and enjoy a few moments worth remembering on this journey worth taking.

I've been thinking about our individual transitions.  I think in the midst of stress and life and time and distance we have settled into a distant yet wonderful friendship.  I honestly think we have progressed to the point where we could go a year without seeing each other.  When we do we would enjoy each others company like it was yesterday.

At first I was a bit taken aback by the thought.  It seems like we are becoming those two people who meet in the park and laugh.  We talk of how our lives have been while we drink wine and eat in a nice restaurant.  We remember all that was and think about all that will be.  We leave thinking of the good times knowing there will be more but not knowing when.

I miss you, my friend.  I hope you are well. I hope to see you soon.  Until I do my heart beats a little bit slower.

That Beautiful Black Man

Day 100 - Walls

When people can't see behind the walls you have built they expend all of their energy trying to get in to see what you have hidden.

If people see that you have no walls but understand that you have strong sense of being they hesitate and rethink their position.  

High strong walls do you no good if you are still vulnerable once they are breached.

Your best bet is balance.  

Day 99 - Clink Clank

     "The page looks a little blank." said the voice looking over my shoulder.  "Usually you have something ready to go.  You have some anecdote or witty story that you drag out into some pseudo tale of whoa or wonder."

     The machines had increased their presence recently.  They had gone from a whisper to a hum and were advancing to a knock.  The steady whir was returning to the metallic clink-clank of old.

     "What's the matter?"  It asked.  "Nothing to say?  Have you lost your momentum?"  The machines seemed to be watching with anticipation.  The nagging of the voice fueled their fire.

     "What are you waiting for?  Are you waiting for a miracle to happen?  Do you expect words to fall from the sky?"

     I sat quietly and looked at the blank page.  The cursor blinked back at me.  It's timing seemed to be in sync with the metal clink-clank of the machines.  It was begging me to sit back and admit defeat.

     The machines were waiting for the next words from the voice.  They seemed to have a new champion.

     "Why don't you tell me of your latest conquest?"  It hissed.  "Why don't you let me know what a deep feeling soul you are?"  It mocked me while it moved from shoulder to shoulder.  "Don't you have anything?"

     The cursor blinked in sync with the clinking.  I looked across the room.  The kitchen clock ticked quietly in the distance.  I almost didn't hear it over the muted clink-clank of the machines.

     I looked into my living room.  My cat was curled in a ball on the arm of the chair.  I was tempted to walk over and give her a little scratch on the forehead.  Every time I scratched her forehead she would close her eyes real tight and push into my fingers.  She would then roll on to her back and let me scratch under her chin.  She was adorable.

     "Maybe you should do that," it whispered.  "Have a glass of wine.  Scratch your cat and relax on your couch.  You're at home.  You don't have to be at work until tomorrow.  There's no need to push yourself.  These things...they end, you know?  Nobody cares.  You realize that, don't you?  Nobody cares.

     "What do you think?  Wine?  Cat? Couch?  Get comfortable where you are."

     The cursor continued to blink in sync with the rising clink-clank.  There was a quiet yawn from my kitty as she moved into an even more comfortable position.  I didn't understand how she could be so peaceful with the clink-clank in the background.  The wine was on the other side of the wall.  I could see the wine glass out of the corner of my left eye.

     "I think," I said feeling my fingers start to type, "You should shut the fuck up and go get me a cup of coffee."

     For the first time in hours I could hear the gentle purring of my cat while she slept.  I could hear the kitchen clock clearly.  Mostly I could hear the silence of the machines.

     "Mix it with hot chocolate."  I said still typing.  "It cuts the bitterness."

     The cursor continued to lead me across the page.  Words were dropping from the sky.  The miracle I was waiting for was almost lost while waiting for a miracle.

Day 98 - Tasty Tuesdays Part 2

     "What makes you think I want to sleep with you?"  She asked finishing her saki.

     "Really, Valencia?"  I was surprised.  Almost two hours had passed since she had let me know everything was ok with a laugh.  We had even paid the bill and were getting dirty looks from the staff.

     We had discussed her most recent trip to Spain to see family.  She had asked me about how my Mom was doing.  I knew she had become VP of her international consulting firm.  I knew most of the men and women who work for her made ten times what I made.  I knew not because she told me but because I was familiar with the company.

     She knew I was less of a mess than I had been in the past.  She knew I set my sites on someone.  She knew I had the momentum to maintain a groove but not to get trapped in a rut.

     Her question brought us back to my previous statement.  'I have decided not to sleep with you.'  This was the moment where things always took the turn.  Things never happen right away.  A fuse is lit.  An idea is sparked.  A question is asked.  Most people don't realize that all initial responses are knee jerk responses.  Sometimes you have to take time to take in the new direction that life has given you.

     "Well," I said answering her question, "there was the parking lot the last time we were here.  There was the top floor of the Trump Towers - before we got kicked out.  I remember your second apartment in midtown."

     "Go on," she said resting her cheek in her right hand.  A smile was on her face.

     "The train after the going away party."  I put my hands together.  That was one of my great memories.  

     "Votre besos."  She said sitting back in her chair.

     "Cuando tú hablas Espanol, hablas despacio," I said digging deep in the reserve of rusty Spanish.

     "And I love it when you try," she said smiling and touching my hand.

     "I'm not trying to..." This time it was her turn to interrupt me.

     "It's your kiss."  Her explanation was simple.  "I like the way you kiss me.  You don't push.  You don't beg.  You respond.  Your body listens to mine."

     I felt the slick smile cut across my face.  I couldn't tell if it was the unfiltered saki finally kicking in or hearing a her say that she liked kissing me.

     "But just because I love the way you kiss me," she continued, "doesn't mean that I want to sleep with you."

     "I'm flattered.  I was always afraid that if things went too far you wouldn't talk to me or I'd just be another guy."

     "You'll never be just another guy.  I hope things work out with this girl," she said as we walked out to the parking lot.

     "Me, too."  I gave her a big hug.

     "No kiss for you tonight and you know why."  I shut the door to her little sports car.  

     Things had taken a turn.  A fuse was lit.  I walked back to my car taking time to take in the new direction life was giving me.

Day 98 - Tasty Tuesdays

     "I don't know how you can eat those things," she said as I prepared my soy sauce.  "They just look like slugs to me.  I don't like how they feel in my mouth."

     "That makes sense," I answered mixing in just enough wasabi to lighten the deep mahogany brown.  "My sister actually had to bring me sushi the first time.  We did baby steps.  Eventually it got to the point where I'll go sushi searching on my own.  It started out as an acquired taste but now I really look forward to it."

     It was Tuesday.  Monday night was half priced wings but I wanted to switch it up.

     "The hibachi here is really good.  They also have a vegetarian menu so I figured you'd be ok."

     "Everything is good so far," she said drowning her stir fry in sauce.  "How are your slugs?"  She smiled.

     I took my first bite of the fresh fish and my eyes rolled.  I liked Tuesday here because the senior chef was back from the weekend.  He took Sundays and Mondays off to recoup from busy Friday and Saturday nights.  I quietly referred to these days as Tasty Tuesdays.  It was like he was back with a vengeance and had something to prove.

     "So good," I said covering my mouth.  "How's the stir fry tofu?"  I asked.  She nodded in approval and gave a thumbs up.

     I sat back and prepared myself for the conversation I've been having lately.  Since the no means never incident I have been approaching things gently.  That woman still hasn't talked to me.  I was convinced/hoping Lennie would have a different reaction.

     She was a statuesque Spaniard.  Her intellect and ambition were on par with Paris.  I was always surprised that they never met.  I couldn't tell if they would be friends, rivals, or enemies.  I am convinced that they might have shared a man or two in their travels but I wouldn't know for certain.  While Paris would mock the men she met Valencia would never tell.

     "I might as well tell you what's on my mind," I said taking a deep breath.

     "You aren't sick are you?" she asked arching her eyebrow towards the ceiling.

     "No!"  I said, laughing.  "I've just been thinking a lot about where I am and where I want to be and I've made a few decisions."

     "You aren't gay are you?"  Her accent thickened as she asked the question.

     "No."  I said laughing even harder.  "No, no, no.  Not that I know of anyway.  What I'm trying to say is that we've been friends for a long time.  We've had this cool back and forth flirtation going on for years..."

     "Look I know what you're going to say," she started to interrupt.

     "BUT," I said finishing my statement, "I've decided not to sleep with you."

     It was as though someone had hit the pause button.  I couldn't gauge what her reaction would be.  Would she walk out like Kerry or slap me like Kristine?  Would she avoid me like Vanessa or stalk my twit/face/sound/space pages like Caitlin does?

     Her laughter was refreshing.  It was new.  It was a big happy laugh that let me know everything was going to be all right for the moment.

     "Sooo. We're still good?" I asked taking a quick bite of the succulent salmon and rice. 

     "Yes," she said contemplating for a moment.  "This is why I love hanging out with you," she sat back in her chair.  "You still surprise me.  You started out as an acquired taste but now I really look forward to seeing you."