Day 93 - No Means...

     "I hope you don't mind," she said moving back to her side of the couch.

     "I'm fine," I answered waiting for the blood to return to the rest of my body.

     "I've never seen anyone react to a no like that before.  It was so awesome.  Most guys just don't get it.  You just stopped."  She looked comfortable.  "I tell you no and you get it.  No means no."  She came in for a kiss on the cheek.

     I thought back to my friend Marcus and tensed up a bit. 

     "There is a great caveat in the male female dynamic when it comes to the word no," I said quickly backing away.  "I like to stay on the side of caution.  Most guys think of it as a challenge.  I think of it as a definitive statement.  I understand the definition of the word no."

     "Good.  I like that.  Maybe next time..."

     "Oh there won't be a next time."

     "What do you mean?"

     I remember the look on Marcus's face when the police showed up at his parent's house to ask him a few questions about his last date.

     "The good thing about No is that I honor the word.  I don't push.  I don't beg.  I don't plead.  I respect your decision.  But to me no doesn't just mean no.  It means never.

     "It means we can still be friends.  I have handshakes and hugs for you but this situation?  This here?  This won't happen again."

     "What the fuck?!?"  She said.  The comfortable look was gone from her face.  "I tell you no and then you tell me this will never happen?!?  Who the fuck do you think you are?"  I have never seen a woman more angry than when I have said no to her or I have respected her no.

     I remember Marcus sitting on his couch head down in front of his parents recounting the story of his hook up.  I remember the state trooper writing everything down while he occasionally looked at his audio recorder to make sure it was still taping. 

     I remember the trooper noticing discrepancies in the opposing parties statements.  He let Marcus know he would have to go back and look at the situation.  He also let Marcus know even if the prosecutor didn't press charges right away he had three years to change his mind.

     I remember being asked to leave while he talked with his family about what their next moves were.  I remember my friend's voice break with tears just before the door shut.

     "Seriously, who do you think you are?"

     I took a deep breath.  I thought about the irony of this whole thing.  She was the one who said no.  I abided by her wishes.  This wasn't a game to me.  No doesn't just mean no.  No means never.  I thought she was going to hit me.

     "I'm just some guy who wants to make sure there's no doubt in the future.  You said no and I'm abiding by that no.  I didn't question your request to stop.  I ask that you have the decency not to pursue this any further.  When you're less angry this will make sense.  You're welcome to stay and talk if you want but that's about as far as it's going to go."

     She slammed the door on her way out without saying good-bye.

     "I'm fine," I told myself as I took a deep breath and felt the blood return to the rest of my body.

Day 92 - What If

     "I hear your night was a little rough last Thursday," Karen's voice laughed a little through the phone.
     "I'm ok," I answered trying to figure which room of the house I was in.  I had a vague memory of excusing myself to Amber and Tony.  I gave the lame excuse of having to work early on Friday.  Truth is I was thrown back into hibernation mode.
     There is a moment when I'm out and about that a little switch clicks.  No matter what I'm doing or where I am I have an undying urge to get home.  I could be having the best time ever but when that switch clicks it's over.  The world around me becomes mute and it feels like a beacon is blinking in the distance.
     Initially I thought it was because I saw the ex but then I realized that I just wasn't ready to be out yet.
     "Are you sure?" Karen asked snapping me back to attention.  "Tony said you kind of bolted out of there."
     The fact that they still talked amazed me.  I know people who were married for five years that fight tooth and nail for every dime and picture in the house.  These two were together for almost 30 years before they were divorced and still had breakfast on Saturdays.
     "I just had to get out of there.  I wanted to make sure the night didn't get away from me."  I realized I was on the living room couch with my cat sitting on my chest.  "It was in my best interest to have my feet hit the street when they did.
     "It sounds like Tony got home all right.  He did get home all right, didn't he?"  I did a quick check to make sure I was wearing my own clothes.  "I was convinced he was all right."
     "He's ok.  Amber is ok, too.  He called me to let me know he got home all right."  She paused for a moment.  I was waiting for the worst.  I was waiting for the how dare you.  I was waiting for the 'What were you thinking?!?'
     "Thank you," she said quietly.  "Thank you for being a friend to both of us.  Thank you for not taking sides.  Thank you for making this transition as easy as possible."
     My kitty meowed as I sat up and she lost her warm spot.
     "You're welcome, my friend.  Sounds like it wasn't me who had a rough night.  You ok?"
     "Yes.  I know Tony and I did the right thing but every once in a while you remember the good times.  You just ask yourself 'What if?' and you wonder for a moment.  This is just a 'What if' moment."  I remembered having a conversation with Stotler about this a few years ago.
     "You are on a path," I started.  "This is a moment in time.  You don't know what the next moment will bring or if you'll even be around to see it.  I suggest you enjoy each moment like it was your last.  I talked to both of you.  You were almost dead inside and it seemed like you had nothing to give.
     "This is the most alive I've seen the two of you in the past five years.  We all end up where we are supposed to.  You just have to keep moving forward.  Don't let your self get stuck in the past.  You're doing ok.  Most importantly you have this beautiful black man to guide you through."
     "I know," she said laughing a genuine laugh for the first time.  "Every once in a while it's just good to hear a friendly voice.  You should get to work."
     My cat jumped on to her perch to watch the morning sun pour across the yard.
     "I will." I said finally putting my feet on the floor.  "If you need anything let me know."
     "Ok," she said with a heavy sigh.
     "Everything works out for the best."
     Before she hung up the phone Karen thanked me again for being a good friend.  I stretched a deep stretch and took a moment to watch the sun pour across the yard. 

     It's always nice when you can put your feet on the floor and know which room of the house you're in.