Day 108 - Video Chatting

     "You should just quit," said my friend JP.  "Get on a plane and come to California.  There's a lot of solid opportunity out here for you, buddy.  I understand you have a plan but your plan sacrifices some of your soul.  It's not worth it."
     "It just feels like a solid betrayal.  It feels like I have to prove myself to these people all over again."  I said letting the wine wash away the day.
     Video chatting is strange to me.  I never know if I should look at the camera on the phone/computer/tablet so it looks like I'm looking at the person directly or if I should just look at them on the screen.  As much as I love some of this technology I'm still figuring it out.
     "Why would you take the time to try to prove yourself to people who don't want to respect you?"
     I took a deep breath and let his words sink in.
     "This is more for me than it is for them.  I need to show that I can do the job.  I need to show that I can..." I stopped mid sentence.
     He had crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair.
     "What?" I asked.
     "They may have already won, buddy."
     "I don't know what you mean," I said feeling my brow furrow again.  This was becoming a constant state of face lately.
     "All I'm hearing from you is doubt.  You are questioning your every move.  You even seem like you're questioning the things you know you're good at.  You can't stay somewhere that doesn't constructively challenge you.  There is a difference between pushing people to reach new levels for a greater purpose and crushing someone's soul.  This sounds like someone wants to make sure you are 'where you be long' in the soul crushing kind of way.
     "How much writing have you done lately?  How much music have you made?"
     I ran my hand over my growing beard and looked over the screen to the wall behind it.
     "That's what I thought.  They may have won because YOUR armor is cracked.  Once they get you to question yourself they got you by the balls.  You are either the star of your own dreams or a background player in someone else's."
     "I just feel like I got stabbed in the back."  I said quietly.
     "You can't keep hanging on to the anger.  You've got to let it go.  No one other than you will taste the bitterness in your mouth no matter how long you keep swishing it around."
     I looked right into the camera to make sure he knew I was listening.
     "What did you tell me ten years ago?"  He asked.
     I told him to stop talking about his dreams and start doing something about them.  He had already written a book series but he wanted to get into film.  After our conversation he finished his first script.  I actually bet him he wouldn't do it.  I told him if he did end up producing something I would fly out to help him.  Within seven months we were standing on a set built in someone's living room.  We had a micro budget but we were determined to make magic happen.
     Now, ten years later, his production company was about to embark on their first international venture.  There were multiple directors, multiple locations, and hundreds of people involved.  All of this stemmed from two friends talking about believing in something more.
     "If you really want to do something don't just sit there..." I started.
     "Do SOMETHING!" He finished with the same enthusiasm I had ten years ago.
     "JP," said a voice in the background, "the production meeting starts in ten minutes."
     "Thank you.  Ok, buddy, you heard the lady.  I've got to go.  Let me know when you're on your way out here even if it's just for a visit.  Keep your head on straight and spit that bitterness out.  The world has much sweeter things in store for you."
     "Thank you," I said feeling a bit more of the weight lift from my chest.  "I will revamp the plan."
     "You should just quit limiting yourself.  There's a lot of solid opportunity out there just waiting for you.  Revamp that plan so it doesn't sacrifice your soul.  It's not worth it."

Day 107 - That Thing

     "What in the hell is that thing on your face?" V asked with a combination of surprise and confusion.  I had let the hibernation beard grow out of control.  Shaving just wasn't a part of the equation this year.
     The events that led to this last hibernation had left me numb.  No matter how hard I tried to dial things back I couldn't.  No matter how close I came to a total reset of mindset the final piece wouldn't click into place.
     This year the hibernation seemed like a Sisyphean task.
     "Oh Hey!  It's the hibernation beard."
     "Wow!  I've seen you with a five o'clock shadow before but this..." Her voice trailed off a bit.  "I have to admit you kind of look like a bad ass."
     Every once in a while it happens.  The line is just long enough for me to get caught talking to someone.  Usually I can time it just right.  I run in.  I grab what I need and go.  Even though I look like a 'bad ass' I must look like a nice bad ass because ocassionally random people will just start a conversation.
     Sometimes it's about how long the line is.  Sometimes it's about how the person in front of us MUST be paying in pennies because 'no transaction on earth takes this long!'. Sometimes it's about the weather.
     Normally I will say I forgot my wallet in my car and go on a short walk until the line dissipates.  Unfortunately this was my second go round.  I had already gone on my walk and the store was closing in ten minutes.  More important, I was out of wine.
     She knew me from work.  We worked together for a few years but then she got an offer at a different company making different money.
     "Thank you.  I think?"  The question hung in the air for a second.
     "No, no, no.  It's a good thing.  I've also never seen you in jeans before."
     "Sir," I heard the cashier say.  My heart sang.  As much as I do like seeing people I like sometimes I just want to get in the store and get out.  "I'll be right with you," she said running to the back of the store.  My heart sank.
     "So how's the new job?" I asked, genuinely curious.
     "It's different.  Different pay structure.  Different environment.  I went from being one of the oldest people in the office to being just one of the crowd."
     We heard a flurry of sneezes from the back of the store intermixed with a few "Oh My Gods".  This commotion was followed by a long coughing fit.  V and I just looked at each other moderately concerned.
     "I'm sorry," said the red faced cashier as she returned.  "It's my allergies."  She put her right wrist to her nose and fanned herself with her left hand.
     "Bless you," we both said at the same time.
     "Talk to you after hibernation," I said after I checked out and headed for the door.
     "Here's my card.  I know it's been kind of a rough year for you.  We're always looking for good people.  If you want to get a clean start I'll put in a good word for you."
     "Thank you," I said slipping her card into the good pocket.  "I'll keep you in mind."
     "You might have to shave that thing on your face for the interview but other than that I think you'd be a perfect fit."  We laughed a little then she disappeared into the darkness.
     As much as I needed a change I also needed to find the weakness in the armor and watch it spread.  I had a plan and shaving just wasn't part of the equation this year.

Day 106 - Pie Hole

     "Fuck 'em," said Derich giving the world the finger.  "Fuck 'em right in the pie hole!"  He put his feet up on the ottoman.
     "And then I was asking myself should I quit or just wait for them to..." I tried to continue.
     "Fuck them and fuck that!  You do not quit!  You hang on to that job until they fire you.  If you quit you get nothing.  Now if they fire you," he said smiling, "they have to explain it.  You have too much going on now to just walk away.  Besides if you walk away they win."
     He was the second person to say that.  In my mind everyone had already lost.  There were not going to be any winners here, just people nursing bruised egos and mending broken promises.
     "Yes, I know.  I get it."  My cat moved from her perch on the back of the couch to my lap.  Her freshly shaved belly was warm.  She had been incredibly cuddly since her visit to the emergency room.  Two thousand dollars later she was home.  I wasn't sure how long she was here for but she was here now.  We had that in common.
     "Trust me," he said pointing to the ceiling.
     Derich was the king of getting fired lately.  He had actually done very well for himself over the last few years but in an unorthodox way.  Six years ago he had worked his way up to an executive level at an international company.  When the market crashed they let him go.  At first he was worried about how he was going to make ends meet until he got his severance package.  It wasn't what he was used to making but it was more money than most people see in five years.
    Three years ago it happened again.  This time it was more than what most people see in a decade.  He was chomping at the bit to get fired from this latest company because they were known for golden parachutes.
     "Most of my department is about to get canned.  I love it."
     "You are a lunatic."
     "I get the summer off.  We'll go visit her parents for a few weeks, which will suck, but for the most part I get to enjoy some quality time with Karen and the kids."
     He laced his fingers and smiled.
     "So how much is the buy out?"  He asked coming back to our conversation.
     "The what?" I started laughing.
     "The buy out!  How much are they going to pay you to walk out the door and keep your mouth shut?"
     "Buy out?  Man, there is no buy out.  They just walk me out.  I'm going to have to fight for my vacation time."
     He stared at me blankly.
     "You've been there, what, five or ten years, right?" He asked slowly.
     "Yes.  About five or ten years."
     "No buy out?" He asked incredulously.
     "Nope.  No buy out for me.  I'll be lucky if the patch of land they drop me over has grass to break my fall.  I have no golden parachute."
     There was a long pause.
     "What'd you make last year?"
     I gave him the number and he almost choked.
     "It's time for you to take that job working for your friend in Hartford.  If you can survive on the amount you just told me you'd kill it as a financial planner.  If I made that little I'd be living in a cardboard box.  A very small cardboard box."
     "Well now that makes me feel better."  I said shaking my head.  "I can't work for him.  For him or with him or whatever.  Friends and money don't mix.  I value his friendship too much to have work get in the way."
     He looked at his watch then rubbed his forehead.
     "I have to meet Karen for lunch.  She wants to go over our finances before the layoff.  Look," he said standing up to leave, "if I were you I would just buckle down and make as much as you can for as long as you can.  Have the best year you've ever had.  That way if they fire you they have to explain it."
     "Then what?" I asked.  My cat perked her head up like she was waiting for an answer, too.
     "Fuck 'em," he said.  "Fuck 'em right in the pie hole!"

Day 105 - Healing

I looked at myself in the mirror.  I wasn't used to wearing jeans to work.  It didn't make sense to me.  I felt like I was wearing pajamas.  The heaviness in my chest was still there.  The machines whirred differently.  It was almost like they were concerned.

Should I just go back and sit there quietly?  Should I just go do the job and keep my mouth shut?  Would that lift the heaviness from my chest?  There was too much going on to just walk away.  The kid was right.  I couldn't just quit

I looked at the mirror again.  My jeans didn't quite fit the way I thought they should.  The shirt was a little more snug than it was when I bought it a few years ago.  I saw a man who was getting older.  Was it too late?  Did I have the strength to start from the bottom again?  Was it time to suck it up and learn how to 'listen'?  The heaviness started to feel like pain.

They were not here to heal my pain.  They did not care that I was in a world of hurt.  Why should they?  This was not their world.  Their world was one of blissful ignorance.  As long as I continued to show up and function they were not at fault.  I was.

The beautiful part was that I could still work.  I would love to have enjoyed my work but I was just happy that I could still do it.  I loved the concept of the work.  I loved that I had the ability to work.  I was disappointed that I didn't enjoy the work or the work environment.  I would like to have believed things would get better.

Whatever I wanted to believe didn't matter.  I simply needed to contend with what was.  This seemed to some like a bleak view of the world.  It wasn't.  It was just an observation of my immediate surroundings.  It was not a happy place or a sad place.  It wasn't boring or exciting.  It simply was.  Right then I made a choice about how I would absorb what came to me and how I would react to it.

I opted to just take it in and let it wash over me.  I wasn't going to fight back right away.  I would watch for the weakness in the armor.  I wouldn't strike.  I wouldn't lash out.  I would wait for the weakness to spread.  I would wait until the armor was as brittle as glass.  I would watch it shatter on it's own and I then would tread lightly on it's broken promises knowing that they could cut no deeper than it's blissful ignorance.

I looked at myself in the mirror again.  It still didn't make complete sense to me but at least I had a plan.  I took a deep breath and a bit of the heaviness lifted.

Day 104 - Steering Wheel

     "Just grip the steering wheel and breathe."  I said to myself.  I sat quietly in the basement of the parking garage trying to figure out my next move.  The kid ran out of the stairwell and looked around like a lost puppy.  I debated waiving him over but I just wanted to be left alone.

     His eyes landed on the Saab and he slowly made his way over.

     "Son of a bitch," I whispered to myself.

     He stood at the driver's side door and leaned on the dusty car parked next to me.  I rolled down my window and looked through him.

     "Did they fire you?" He asked, eyes wide open and out of breath from running down the stairs.

     "Worse," I said feeling my brow furrow.  "They put a leash on me.  It was an HR ambush call.  They set up a meeting on the pretense of going over accounts and then they told me HR was on the phone."

     "What?!?" He said with complete disbelief.  "They wouldn't..."

     I just looked him in the eye and watched his demeanor change as the truth washed over him.

     "But they always laugh and joke with..." His voice trailed off.

     He was right.  They always laugh and joke when they want something.  Unfortunately for me I had called the wrong asshole an asshole.  I had also called one of their top bullshitters on his bullshit.  Even though I was doing well I wasn't doing well enough.  It was explained to me that I didn't know how to 'listen'.  I had called out one of their pets on trying to bang new hires and interns.  It didn't go well.  I was told to mind my own business.

     There was too much going on in my real life for me to be concerned with the fragile office egos or the petty office politics so I told them to go pound sand.

     I would be better if I was in an office with doors rather than the open office infrastructure.  I am old school when it comes down to how things should run.

The new hires need to earn their worth.  They don't earn my respect their first day on the floor.  You need to prove you belong there.  They also don't need to worry about some senior employee trying to bang them either.

     "At some point it went from laughing and joking to evidence gathering."  I leaned back in the seat and crossed my arms.

     "You aren't going to quit are you?"

     "I was..." I started.

     "You can't!" He said a little too quickly.  "If you quit they win."

     I knew he was right.  I laced my fingers behind my head and stared at the roof of my car.

     "Nah.  I just need to figure out how to make this work.  You should go back upstairs.  No reason for you to be guilty by association."

     "Guilty of what?"  His eyes grew wide.

     "Don't worry, kid," I said laughing out loud.  "I have too much going on in my real life.  This is an inconvenience.  You don't have to worry about me doing anything stupid.  I still have to pay bills and put food on the table.  Go on.  Go back upstairs.  Do the work.  Make the money.

     "I'm going to go home, put on a pair of jeans, and come back to work comfortable."  The suit I had grown to love felt constricting.  "Go," I said waiving him back to the stairwell.

     He put his hands in his pockets and slowly walked away.

     I tried to start the car and head home to change clothes but my chest felt heavy.  The only thing I could do was just grip the steering wheel and breathe.