"She died in my arms," I said through the tears. "I'm not out drinking because of the job. I'm sad because I had to put my cat to sleep." I covered my face with my hands. I was too drunk and sad to be embarrassed.
"I'm so sorry," V said touching my shoulder.
"I was so derailed by my own mess..." I started. "But she knew she was loved." I finished, wiping my eyes with one of the bar napkins I grabbed before we left. "That's the important thing. She knew she was loved."
I looked at the light of the moon in my lap. It was a warm April evening and the sky was clear. The little sports car exploded once we reached the highway. Her hair flowed in the wind. She had put the top down on the convertible because she didn't want me to throw up in her car if I got too sick on the ride home.
"Is that what you meant by the wrong decision?" She asked while her hair whipped around her face. "Because there was nothing you could do for her. She was clearly suffering. You said it yourself, she knew she was loved."
I stared at the light in my lap and felt a few hot tears burn down my cheeks.
"I just wish I could have done more. Maybe I was too busy being angry. Maybe she absorbed the bitterness that's been coursing through my veins lately. Maybe..."
"You are the worst drunk ever," she said shaking her head. I looked at her sideways for a second and then we both started laughing.
"I don't mean to sound crass. I know what you've been through. I had to put Kayla down last year but oh my god you are a horrible drunk."
"It's the wine," I started.
"That leads to the whining," she finished. We both laughed again. I felt a bit more of the heaviness leave my chest. Kayla was her companion. I wasn't a big dog person but Kayla liked me and I liked her. She had seen my friend through a rocky marriage, a rough divorce, and a later in life career transition. I could relate to her world of hurt.
"I guess I'm in for the long haul." She said. "How far is your Mom's place from here? 40 - 45 minutes?"
I looked over in surprise.
"You were going to drive me all the way back to the boondocks?!? Wow you are a friend. I'm actually two exits up. I have a little crash pad for emergencies." I did the slow motion face wipe again.
"Being on the road two to three hours a day was killing me so I set up a place where I could chill out if I needed to, like tonight. It's nothing special. It's like a dilapidated frat house with less testosterone and more responsibility."
"Oh nice," she mocked. "You're pretending to be an adult."
"If I could afford to be an adult I'd be happier but that's all part of the plan."
"You were supposed to tell me about this 'plan'."
I looked from the moonlight in my lap to the moon in the sky. I wondered if Kayla and my kitty were running through the clouds keeping each other company. I was trying to figure out how I got were I was. I was still drunk but I wasn't as sad or embarrassed any more. Even in this fluid state I decided to fortify my resolve.
"I'm sorry. I was derailed by my own mess. Let me tell you about my plan for love. Let me tell you about my plan for personal responsibility."
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