The Question of When

      “The question wasn’t so much if as it was when.”

     “What?  Come on Marrianne.  You can’t be serious.”  We had missed our bi-weekly dinner due to conflicting work schedules.  Essentially there had been a massive accident on 84 and the re-route took me 40 minutes south through the New Haven Area because there had also been another accident on 691, another barely paved, 3 lane dirt road.  I had been re-routed so far from my destination by the time I got there it would have been too late to enjoy the time we had.

     “Sadly I can see her husband’s point of view.”  It was lasagna tonight.  I loved lasagna.

     “Karl used to ask me all the time.  ‘Did you fuck him?’ ‘Did he try to fuck you?’”

     “Really?”

     “Do you remember my 30th birthday?”

     “Not rea...”

     “We all got hammered and stumbled around Boston?”

     “Marrianne, we did that for every birthday in Boston.”

     “This was the year you brought up the massage chair.”

     “Oh...”

     “Right ‘Oh’!”

     In the years after the Paris Incident I spent time honing my massage skills.  Of course I didn’t go to massage school.  I couldn’t afford it.  I would get a massage once or twice a month, note what was being done, what worked, and keep a mental rolodex of what they did.  I read books and watched videos.

     I never positioned myself as a massage therapist but I got to the point where I could relieve some pressure and remove the stress from a shitty day/week/month.

     The hugs also had a big following.  If you give a big bear hug you open up muscles to be massaged.  If I support you while you are getting the hug you don’t have so much pressure on your body.  If I give you a big bear hug after you have less stress, and less pressure, the comfort of a hug with no malicious intent just tends to make some people feel better.

     I was popular at parties and little gatherings, unless you happened to be someone’s husband or boyfriend.  The husbands and boyfriends were concerned it was just a ploy to feel up their wives and girlfriends.

     Some of them took me up on a hug for themselves and understood.  Most didn’t.

     There was one guy who was convinced that everyone was trying to sleep with his wife.  She was an attractive woman.  She probably could have had any man she wanted before him.  We all found him repulsive as a human being.  No one wanted anything physically to do with her after he had bragged about their sex life. 

     “I had no idea she was married,” I protested with a mouthful of tasty cheese and sauce.  

     She was convinced that the massage was a prelude to a deeper evening event, even if the event wasn’t that evening.  It wasn’t going to happen that evening or ever.  It turns out he had been lying about their sex life.  She was just happy that someone was touching her and not asking for something in return.

     “AND,” I shook my finger towards the ceiling, “I let her and everyone else know that from the get go.”  I thought more about it.

     “You know I remember arriving at a party and overhearing someone say ‘Oh shit he’s here.  Where’s my wife?’”

     “You see I’m not crazy.”

     “There was another time when someone’s life was falling apart.  I said ‘Let’s go get massages, eat some really expensive sushi, and stumble around the city.’  It wasn’t Boston,” I cut her off right before she spoke.  “It was Northampton.  She said no and told her friends I was just down to pound.”

     “Her brother called me a fucking creep and she didn’t talk to me for 3 years.”

     “You do give off that vibe.  I mean that’s a bit harsh,” she said catching some of the lasagna in her hand before it hit her sweats, “but you yourself have said it.

     “Most men who put in that much effort just want to get laid.”

     I just wanted to be invited back.  Hell, I even helped clean up and did dishes after parties.  I actually thanked people for letting me into their homes after the gatherings.  Now it was the work and home show.  

     “Well I don’t want to sleep with Grocery Girl.  I just need to get this phone situation under control and then the hibernation prep begins.”

     I could feel the hibernation pulling me in for a warm winter embrace.  I would be able to use the winter as an excuse to not go out.  The Hibernation would always lead to less stress, less pressure and a level of clarity.

     It wasn’t a question of if I was going to hibernate, it was a question of when.  How long would it take this year to ease the mind and cleanse the soul.  I didn’t want to get caught in another massive accident and get re-routed so far away from my destination I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the time I had.

Do Not Call List

     “Sadly, I can’t call her,” I said staring from the pizza to the sidewalk.

     “You can’t call her?  She can help you with this phone thing, right?”

     V was back in town for just a short time.  Her management orientation training had gone far better than expected.  Her scores and performance were off the charts.  She had grown her territory and increased the numbers across the board.  Her new job allowed her to work remotely.  She decided she was sick of the New England winters and was packing up to move south, possibly to one of the Carolinas.  

     “Yes,” I answered sheepishly.

     “You’ve known her for years, right?” She couldn’t believe it.

     “Yep.  I can’t call her.  I can’t text her. No email, nada.”

     “What the fuck?”

     “I’m not so much on her Do Not Call List as I am on his.”  There was a puzzled look I caught out of the corner of my eye.

     My phone was near the end of it’s factory lifespan.  This meant the updates were killing battery and randomly shutting the phone off.

     The only texts that came through consistently were the ‘Is it time for an upgrade?’ texts.  This was getting to be a pain in the ass.  Sadly the phone had become the go to for audiobooks, maps, news, email, light shopping, bill paying, the morning alarm, random hook ups, ordering food, and most recently frustration.  Grocery Girl ran the cell phone store near the grocery story that’s why we always bumped into each other there.

     “So let me get this straight, a person you’ve known for their entire adult life can no longer talk to you because of...?” 

     “Yep.”

     “Someone who you called every year to wish happy birthday?”

     “I’ve been texting the last few years, but yes.”

     “Did you sleep with this woman?”

     “No, but...”

     “Oh Jesus, what?” Her eye rolls verged on the epic lately.

     “The last time we were at a party we spent a lot of time laughing and reminiscing.  She got a big bear hug and an epic back crack.  It was one of the few times I didn’t just bump into her at the grocery store. We were supposed to meet for lunch to talk about my phone and then she texted me saying that she couldn’t.  Come to find out her husband is not a fan and hasn’t been for a while.  Apparently when I hugged her his ass puckered so hard you could hear the wind leaving the room.  Bumping into each other at the grocery store?  Not a problem.  It’s a random thing.  A structured meeting?  Food?  NO!

     “Apparently things had been tense even before the party. ‘He’s the father of my children.  We can make it work.  I want to see if we can last.’  That was the last time I really talked to her.”

     “Well damn.  That’s fucked up.” 

     “Why ruin what she thinks is a good thing.  It’s been a policy I’ve had since the beginning.  Step back.  Let things happen.”

     “No.  No that is not a good policy.  I mean letting relationships play out is good policy but that just feels...”

     “Trust me.  I am aware.  I can’t even text to ask for help.  I might just go to the store and get a new phone ... on a day she’s not working there.”  

     “Well what have you been doing lately?”

     “I still have a home phone and I use the iPad when I’m in the WiFi.  I have an office number for clients.  Some days if I catch it just right in the morning the phone will work until about 3 before I have to put it back on the charger.”

     “Dear god, you are 100 years old aren’t you?”

     “Maybe if were 100 years ago I could send telegrams.  It sucks too.  I was hoping she could help with this.”

     “The more I think about it you might have more than just a phone issue.”

Windfall

      Once I got to the office, the job was incredibly simple.  You listen to people.  You assess their situation.  You make the necessary suggestions that will improve the situation.

     Once the clients get your suggestions they take them to heart and move forward with their lives.  A whole new outlook has opened up for them.  Their worlds are perfect and everything is as right as rain.

     The problem is most people know what they have to do BUT they wait until the last absolute second to do it, if they do it at all.  This can be smart and it can be strategic if you have a plan for the multiple variables that life will throw at you.  Most people don’t.  If they had a contingency plan, they didn’t think it would lead here.

     Some people wait on the hopes that something magical will happen.  They wait for the lottery or a windfall that fixes everything.  401ks and credit cards were usually fair game because the windfall would fix it all.

     Even some of the smartest people would come in and continue to make costly mistakes.  There was the family presented with a solid direction out of the craziness.  After two months of weekly meetings a map of success was laid out then there was absolute silence.

     After a bit of follow up it was found that rather than cover all the necessary responsibilities mentioned in the plan the family decided to buy a new car and go on a vacation to Disneyland.

     When I asked why I was informed that a grandparent had been diagnosed with a terminal condition and only had a few months to live unless they opted for an experimental procedure.  The surgery was considered risky at best.  There was a 1 in 50 chance of survival.  I felt bad and wished them the best.  Two months later the inevitable happened.  The clients were back in the office trying desperately to set up a new plan.

     It turns out the grandparent had opted for the surgery and survived.  It also came to light that the grandparent wasn’t even on the trip to Disneyland.  The parents went on the trip knowing that when the grandparent died the money from the inheritance and liquidated properties would get them out of debt, cover of their most recent expenses, and give them that great windfall.

     I wanted to believe this was an isolated incident but this was the norm.

     I’m not talking about the single mom who makes 22k a year.  I’m talking about dual six figure income earners.  Some were earning mid six figure salaries and couldn’t rub two nickels together if their lives depended on it.

     There was a lot of sex (mostly extramarital), love (wanting to be loved mainly), bad choices (unnecessarily expensive cars, houses, vacations, colleges, credit cards, toys, etc.) & more sex (second, third, fourth marriages, secret children) distracting people from making better choices.

     The marketing machine was also in full effect telling people they weren’t enough and convincing them that they always needed more.

     I said all this knowing I needed to fix my phone or buy another one.  I had seen this coming for a while but I hadn’t saved for it.  I was kind of hoping for something magical to happen.  Strangely before the job transition, the drive, and the want to be elsewhere I had a contingency plan, I just didn’t think it would lead here.

Same Old Same Ole

     If you go into a new job that has all the things that you want and need you may still fail if you mind isn’t in the right spot.  

     The job wasn’t the problem.

     The phone was a problem but it wasn’t the problem.  

     The drive was a problem but it wasn’t the problem.  The problem was me.  I had worked commission jobs before but I hadn’t worked a commission ONLY job.  

     Initially there was a stipend to get you on your feet but that was gone.  We were moving into sink or swim territory.  I had just started treading water and my body was already tired.

     I used to love driving.  I learned to loathe it.  I had gotten used to filling my gas tank once a month.  Now I was filling it once every four days.  There was an accident every other day on the highway.

     It was like people intentionally tried to pass at the most inconvenient times.  People treated the passing lane as their personal 70 mph riding lane.  Entrances and exits were located in strange places.

     The other highway option, used mainly when there were multi car pile ups, was essentially a 2 lane dirt road.  Deer were on the side of the road just waiting for their moment to jump.

     There was no public transit that made it easy to get from one town to another.  The train, bus, walk situation took three hours if everything went according to plan and there were no incidents.  The cost was $20 per day.

     I also had offsite meetings with clients that would require travel so relying on unreliable transit wouldn’t have worked in my favor.

     As mentioned before the walk from the lot I parked in was 15 minutes from the office.  There were a few closer lots but as you got closer to the office the prices went up.  

     The lot I chose to park in was $60 per month.  The lot a block closer was $85.  The parking lot across the street from the office was $220.  None of them had guaranteed parking so it you showed up a bit later in the morning you could ride the lot for 30 minutes hoping for someone to leave.

     The phone was dying.  It’s time had come it I was in desperate need of a change.  I just didn’t want to change.  It fit all my needs perfectly, when it worked.  It fit my hand just right.  All the previous cases still fit this phone.  The chargers hadn’t changed yet.

     It’s predictability was at an all time low.  There was a quick fix.  Just get a new phone.  I was hoping to run into Grocery Girl.  The reason we always bumped into each other at the grocery store was because she ran the cell phone store next door.  I was hoping she could hook me up with some type of fix or help with pricing on a new phone.

     Of all of these the main problem was me.  I was in desperate need of stability.  I just didn’t want to change.  My predictability was at an all time high.  I had learned to loathe.  I was an accident waiting to happen and the exit to get off this crazy highway was in a strange place.  My mind wasn’t in the right spot and I was hurtling towards failure.  Exhaustion was settling in and I wasn’t even in the deep end, yet.

The New Routine

      Like everyone who had one, I was happy to have a job.  Even though I hadn’t spoken to Derich in a while I decided to give the new office gig a chance.  This required a new routine.

     The quick jump on and off the highway to the old job was replaced with a grueling, traffic fighting, drive halfway across the state.  Luckily it was one of the smaller New England states.

     If you left early enough you could avoid most of the traffic getting to work and if you left late enough you could also avoid it coming home.  Reminded me of The Grid.

     The new routine was as solid as a rock.  Wake up at 5:30.  Clean up, get dressed while listening to the overnight news.  Leave the house at 6.  Get to the parking lot at 7.  Walk to the office.  Arrive at 7:15.  Eat breakfast (instant oatmeal and coffee with hot chocolate) continue reading the news of the world markets.  Wash the dishes I used.  Start work at 8 am (paperwork, phone calls, fights with home office about compliance, meetings with clients - if the clients showed).  4:50 pm Walk to the parking lot.  5:05 pm Leave the parking lot.  6:30 pm Arrive home to make and eat dinner, watch YouTube/the News or listen to a podcast or an audiobook.  7:15 Wash dishes.  7:30 Play music/write/workout/meditate some how get rid of the stress.  8:30 Prepare clothes for the next day.  8:45 Shower.  9:15 Fall asleep listening to the latest world news update.  Rinse and repeat. 

    This wonderful schedule was held together by my phone.  Somehow this little piece of technology had everything I wanted when I was a kid except the fun and the adventure.

     There were alerts here and alarms there.  There were reminders of bills to be paid and money to be made.  There were directions and suggestions.  There were apps for dating and apps for hating.

     There was just one problem lately.  After a full night of recharging and getting ramped up for the day I would unplug the phone to check the news and it would immediately shut off.  When I turned it back on it would read 50% then 5% then nothing.

     The only remedy was to immediately hard reset it for 2 cycles.  Only then would it hold a charge.  Only then would it do what it was supposed to do the way it was supposed to do it.  This was one of the most popular phones in the world.  There were a lot of apps on the phone but this thing was supposed to be up for the challenge.  I looked forward to buying this thing.  The day I bought it I felt like it I had the world at my finger tips.

     It was like that with a lot of things in life at the time.  I had looked forward to this job.  Theoretically it was wonderful but practically it was just another job driving halfway across the state.  As a man of a certain age I wasn’t sure how many hard resets I had in me even with the rock solid new routine.