Do Not Call List

     “Sadly, I can’t call her,” I said staring from the pizza to the sidewalk.

     “You can’t call her?  She can help you with this phone thing, right?”

     V was back in town for just a short time.  Her management orientation training had gone far better than expected.  Her scores and performance were off the charts.  She had grown her territory and increased the numbers across the board.  Her new job allowed her to work remotely.  She decided she was sick of the New England winters and was packing up to move south, possibly to one of the Carolinas.  

     “Yes,” I answered sheepishly.

     “You’ve known her for years, right?” She couldn’t believe it.

     “Yep.  I can’t call her.  I can’t text her. No email, nada.”

     “What the fuck?”

     “I’m not so much on her Do Not Call List as I am on his.”  There was a puzzled look I caught out of the corner of my eye.

     My phone was near the end of it’s factory lifespan.  This meant the updates were killing battery and randomly shutting the phone off.

     The only texts that came through consistently were the ‘Is it time for an upgrade?’ texts.  This was getting to be a pain in the ass.  Sadly the phone had become the go to for audiobooks, maps, news, email, light shopping, bill paying, the morning alarm, random hook ups, ordering food, and most recently frustration.  Grocery Girl ran the cell phone store near the grocery story that’s why we always bumped into each other there.

     “So let me get this straight, a person you’ve known for their entire adult life can no longer talk to you because of...?” 

     “Yep.”

     “Someone who you called every year to wish happy birthday?”

     “I’ve been texting the last few years, but yes.”

     “Did you sleep with this woman?”

     “No, but...”

     “Oh Jesus, what?” Her eye rolls verged on the epic lately.

     “The last time we were at a party we spent a lot of time laughing and reminiscing.  She got a big bear hug and an epic back crack.  It was one of the few times I didn’t just bump into her at the grocery store. We were supposed to meet for lunch to talk about my phone and then she texted me saying that she couldn’t.  Come to find out her husband is not a fan and hasn’t been for a while.  Apparently when I hugged her his ass puckered so hard you could hear the wind leaving the room.  Bumping into each other at the grocery store?  Not a problem.  It’s a random thing.  A structured meeting?  Food?  NO!

     “Apparently things had been tense even before the party. ‘He’s the father of my children.  We can make it work.  I want to see if we can last.’  That was the last time I really talked to her.”

     “Well damn.  That’s fucked up.” 

     “Why ruin what she thinks is a good thing.  It’s been a policy I’ve had since the beginning.  Step back.  Let things happen.”

     “No.  No that is not a good policy.  I mean letting relationships play out is good policy but that just feels...”

     “Trust me.  I am aware.  I can’t even text to ask for help.  I might just go to the store and get a new phone ... on a day she’s not working there.”  

     “Well what have you been doing lately?”

     “I still have a home phone and I use the iPad when I’m in the WiFi.  I have an office number for clients.  Some days if I catch it just right in the morning the phone will work until about 3 before I have to put it back on the charger.”

     “Dear god, you are 100 years old aren’t you?”

     “Maybe if were 100 years ago I could send telegrams.  It sucks too.  I was hoping she could help with this.”

     “The more I think about it you might have more than just a phone issue.”