Withdrawal

      “Please press enter to confirm your selection.”  The cursor blinked.  I was trying to make sure I had done my calculations right.  I hadn’t switched to the quarterly pay plan so there was another check coming in a few weeks.  I had to make sure this would cover me.

     It should just be simple math.  Figure what your bills will be for the next month, add general spending, and work with that number.  It’s never just simple math.  Never have I looked at my calendar and seen Monday the 17th you blow out a tire or next Tuesday there’s going to be a strange clanking in the furnace and a little bit of smoke.

     Every week I check the schedule.  Never have I seen ‘Won’t Start Wednesday’, ‘$1000 Thursday’, or ‘$500 Friday’ before it actually happens.

     “Are you sure this is the amount you wish to withdraw?”

     Curse you cursor.

     I could hear my future self yelling back at me “You son-of-a-bitch! That’s my retirement money!” and “The only reason I live on a fixed income now is because you broke it then!”

     I was thanking my younger self.  Years earlier I jumped into an aggressive savings plan at the old job.  There had been a few runs at the lottery that surprisingly hadn’t worked out.  I decided to take the funds spent on the lottery every week and put them back into the savings plan.

     Instead of buying breakfast in the morning or drinks after work I took those funds and put them back into the savings plan.  That plan and some lucky investments allowed me to put the down payment on my dilapidated little house.

     I could hear my future self yelling at me for once again tapping into the well.  I reminded him that I might not be here and even if I was I always had social security.  There was a moment of silence before the laughter rippled through all three time zones.

     The math was simple.  Me + this withdrawal = bills being paid with no penalty and food on the table.

     I hit the enter button and watched the little animation spin.

     “Please allow 24 to 48 hours for the funds to appear in your bank account.”  

     Even though I had done my calculations right I remembered that it’s never just simple math.

228

     228.

     I just stared at my phone.  The mortgage was due.  The electric bill was due.  The gas bill was due.  The phone bill was due.  The gas tank was almost bone dry.

     228.

     My schedule was empty so I called out for the day.  This was a problem that required my immediate attention.  Home office was three hours behind so I had to wait until Noon to find out exactly what had gone wrong.

     The cell had been good that morning.  It must have known that the plan was to get paid, clear the major bills then FINALLY hit the local store.  There was a major announcement. The latest and greatest version was about to debut so of course there was a HUGE sale.

     228.

     There was a choice now.  Get the updated version of my current phone, get the latest and greatest phone, or get last year’s latest and greatest.  Unfortunately none of my old cases would fit any of the new phones.  They were all larger.  Even the updated version of my current phone looked different, felt different, and just was different.

     228.

     None of that really mattered.  The phone bill was due.  The gas bill was due.  The electric bill was due.  The mortgage was due. The gas tank was bone dry.  Over the last 19 years the great claim from every employer ended with the phrase “and if you do this you’ll be making $100k within the next 2 years, easy.”

     I was making somebody $100k just not me.  My reserves had dipped over the last few years.  There was a little bit here for the mortgage.  There was a little bit there for necessary office costs.  There was a little bit here for new brakes.  There were little pieces chipping away.  It was ok because I knew the windfall would fix it all.

     The last time things were this tight was when my father passed away.  The year after he died I drank my way through a multitude of local bars, disappeared to California for a short time, and totaled two cars in 8 weeks.

     Back then I was quietly giving Paris a run for her money but my self destruction was more psychological and less public.

     228.

     Since the last pay period there had been 1,100 miles logged in the car, 18 hours on the road, 100 hours in office, some where between 350 to 600 phone calls, many in person meetings, and two major deals postponed for 4 months.  After all that time and effort my direct deposit just stared back at me.

    $228. 

     There had to be a zero missing from the back of the number or a one missing from in front of it.  There had to be because if there wasn’t then nothing made sense.

     At 12:05 pm east coast time the home office payroll division explained to me that these were the quarterly fees.  The fees had just hit at an awkward time.  The stipend from the company ended just after the last quarter fees hit.  They were actually surprised someone hadn’t let me know I would be taking the hit this time.

     The phone rolled off my fingertips and slipped into the cradle.  This call required the home phone. Even though it had been good all morning, I wasn’t taking a chance that the cell would drop service.

     The sunlight danced gently across the living room floor.  The shadows from the panes in the glass slowly moved from the couch, to the coffee table, to the ottoman across the room.

     My current situation had been updated.  My immediate future looked different, felt different, and just was different.  I had been looking for a reason to make a change.  I had been looking for a sign to get off my ass and get things done.  I now had 228.

Tremors

     “Well I never thought you were chasing after Karen and she never thought you were a creep.  Does that make you feel any better?”

     “Yes, it...”

     “She was convinced that you slept with Paris.”

     “Jesus, man really?”

     Tony laughed a little to himself then stared out the window.

     “So are you a 2000 or are you a 20 guy?”

     “What do you mean?”  I asked.

     “I mean last night I’m listening to the news and I hear them say twenty twenty-one.  A few minutes later I hear them say two thousand twenty-one.  I wish there were something a bit more consistent.”

     Tony had been a bit more focused over the last few weeks.  Things in the world seemed to take on a larger importance.

     “I hadn’t really thought about it.”  I said cracking open a bottle of motor oil.  “Now that I do I’m a 20 guy.”

     “Really?”

     “Yeah, of course.  Think about it.  You didn’t say nineteen hundred ninety-nine, did you?  You said nineteen ninety-nine.  Two thousand made sense until 2009.  Since then it’s been twenty all the way.” 

     “I guess.”  He stared into the distance.

     “What’s up?” 

     “Amber is worried about me.  You see all this craziness going on in China?”

     “Yeah, but why the fuck would she be worried about you?”

     “She’s been doing some consulting with this firm that works out of China and she says the shit is much worst than everybody is letting on.”

     “Well damn.  Look I’m hoping,” I said, feeling the warmth of the motor oil, “that this shit is all done by February.  I’m just over a month away from hibernation right now.  Twenty nineteen has been a shit year.  By May 2020 the business at the firm should be moving smoothly and things will be as right as rain!  There is no way that 2020 can be as shitty as 2019 was,” I said emphasizing the twenties.

     “That still doesn’t answer why you give a shit about two thousand vs twenty.  What brought that about?”

     “She said a few of her colleagues have had to do virtual meetings.  While they were waiting for meetings to start, meetings that would eventually be cancelled, they started talking about Twenty twenty vs two thousand twenty and she wanted my opinion of it.”

     This wasn’t an earthquake. It wasn’t a landslide but it was a slight tremor.

     “What did you say?”  I asked preparing myself for the moment. 

     “I said two thousand twenty.  She laughed and said, without thinking about it ‘That’s what my Dad would have said.’”

     “Oh.”  The beer lost a bit of it’s flavor.  Her father had passed away a few years ago.  She didn’t have great memories of him but she had a few.

     “Man, you’re at least 5 years younger than...”

     “I’m only two years younger than when he died.”

     It had begun.

     “Tone, you’re overthinking this.  You’re turning a 20 problem into a 2000 problem and we don’t even know if it is a problem.”

     “I guess,” he repeated, “but apparently I’m a 2000 guy.”  He stared off into the distance again.  It was obvious the tremors were a bit more consistent than he was letting on.

Kare-Bear

     “I can sort of see their points but I agree with Marrianne and ‘Grocery Girl’s’ husbands.  I probably would have slept with you up until I had Teresa.”

     Karen, for the first time in a long time, caught me off guard.

     “I’m sorry.  I don’t even know how to process that last sentence.  Teresa’s what, 23?”

     “Yes, something like that.”

     “I’m just completely floored.”

     “I remember the first night I met you.  You were in a suit, mid tirade about something, and the bar was closing so we, meaning Tony, invited everybody back to the apartment for a few more drinks.  You drove because you weren’t drinking at the time.”

     “Ah yes the years of being the designated driver, I remember that.”

     “Anyway, somebody cut you off and a string of profanity came out of your mouth that would have embarrassed a sailor.  You then turned to me, calmly introduced yourself, and asked if it was ok to smoke in your own car.  You went from a grizzly bear to a pussy cat in the blink of an eye.

     “After listening to you yell through the window I was scared to say no but when I said I had asthma you put your cigarette away.”

     “Don’t remember it but that sounds about right.”

     “THEN after we ate you washed the dishes!  I think I made a joke about kicking Tony out and keeping you around.”

     “Now that’s funny shit.  I had no idea.  I always saw you as Karen and Tony.”

     “You called me Kare-Bear.  You told me I looked like that girl from that tv show that everyone thought was...”

     “Topanga.  I mean you’re all a bit younger than me.  I was kind of a Wonder Years Guy for a while but I remember the Topanga years.  Kare-Bear stuck.”

     “Every once in a while Teresa will still call me Kare-Bear.”

     “Oh YES!  Kare-Bear and Tare-Bear.”

     “When you met Connie everything changed.  You weren’t around that much.  After her there was the Paris thing and then that crazy girl with the little red car, and Anna.”

     I took a deep breath and looked at the ceiling.  

     “The Connie thing hurt.”  I ignored the rest of the names.  “That’s one of the reasons I won’t date Tessa.  That, her name sounds like Teresa, AND they’re about the same age.  Speaking of Teri, what would she do if I called her Tare-Bear?” I asked, trying to change the subject.

    “She’d lose her mind,” she laughed.  “Did you ever think about having kids of your own?”  She asked, pulling the focus right back.

     “It was the great goal.  I just never thought I had my shit together. Up until recently I always thought there would be more time.”

     I looked quietly from Karen’s eyes to the floor.

     “Look at me, I haven’t even made time to get to the store to get a new phone.”  I pulled the phone out of my pocket and pressed the home button to see if it was still charged.  Surprisingly it was.

     “Well now speaking of time, I have to kick you out,” she said standing and stretching.  “I have another day of meetings and you have to make an appointment to get a new phone.”

     She walked me to the door and gave me a big hug good night.

     “That’s why I called you Kare-Bear.  I could never figure out how someone with such little arms could give such big hugs!”

     “Go home,” she said closing the screen door.  “Text me when you get there to let me know you got home safe.”

     “Ok, Mom,” I yelled over my shoulder.

     “The friendship comes first.”  I said as I got to my car door.  “That’s why we can still hang out and watch a movie on a Tuesday.  I haven’t talked to Connie in almost 20 years.  I haven’t seen Paris in 5.  The crazy girl drives a different color car.  Anna doesn’t text me when she’s in town any more.  It’s like every time I really try to hold on to something it just slips through my fingers.

     “Tare-Bear still calls you Kare-Bear and I currently don’t smoke in my car.  The friendship comes first.”

     I could still see her standing in the doorway as I drove out of the parking lot.