Monday, January 27, 2025

The Good

      Once you break the cycle of the CouchSpirAssy you have some choices to make.  Most tend to overshoot and try to make up for lost time.  After days or months or years of scrolling and watching and watching and scrolling what is there to do?  Scroll.  Watch. Scroll.  Watch.  Laugh.  Cry.  Buy.

    Emotions are manipulated by an algorithm that was not designed to let you feel them and be more human but to guide you to click and subscribe.  If you would be so kind as to hit that merchandise store too, that would be great.

     Let’s say we’ve been lucky enough to break the cycle.  Now what?  What was the reason to watch and scroll?  Was it a search for something useful?  Could it have been driven by determination?  Could it have been a search driven by ambition?

     Ambition feels like determination’s seductive sibling.  It’s the one constantly telling you ‘You look good in that outfit’ or asking ‘Have you lost a few pounds?’ and winking at you. 

     Determination feels like the drive to accomplish something.  Ambition feels like the drive to accomplish something and be recognized for it.

     Years ago, the goal at work was to do a good job, get a pay check, and be left alone.  The idea was to make enough to pay off a credit card or save up to put a down payment on a house or buy a car.  In some cases, those ideas were replaced when, in striving for your own personal goal, a work milestone was hit.  

     There was maybe an Employee of The Month or a Top Sales award or a shout out that garnered a bonus.  This is fine.  It only becomes a problem when you constantly chase the Employee of the Month or the Top Sales Award or constantly do something for that shout out.  This ambition might alienate others who then feel like they are only a stepping stone in helping to achieve a goal.

     When you push from drive to determination to ambition be sure to stay on track so you don’t crash into the hellish fourth wall.  Once you start chasing employee of the month or top sales or shout outs, you, if you aren’t careful, can unknowingly slide beyond determination’s seductive sibling to become its creepy cousin, desperation.

     When you are young and hungry you might not know you are desperate.  That desperation to learn or succeed can be channeled back towards determination and settle into drive.  It has to be done right.  If it’s not, determination will come off as nothing more than ambitious desperation.

     What happens if you start out wanting employee of the month or the top sale or the shout outs and you don’t get them?  Frustration.  Frustration + determination can sometimes smell of desperation.  

     What happens when this spills out into life, dating, general existing?  Could it be the reason for trying to escape by scrolling and watching and watching and scrolling?  

     Maybe we don’t need to be the perfect employee of the month, top sales rep, best husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, writer, musician, mechanic, father, mother, son, or daughter.  Could we be happy by just trying to be good?  Not the best or the worst but the good. 

     Years were spent trying not only to be the best employee, the best writer, the musician, and the best dating choice.  It all ended in deep frustration.  There was a time when I wanted to be with someone.  I was lucky enough to then be with her.  I could never shake the feeling that I was holding her back from being with the person she really deserved to be with in life because I didn’t feel like the perfect dating choice.

     There was losing out on a promotion or raise and being so angry even though getting the promotion or raise wasn’t really what was wanted.  

     I remember working at a job that had a promise of a Big Pay Day.  I took the job because my Dad was sick and I felt if I could find the formula, I could fund the family.  The problem was I wouldn’t be there to help BUT if it all worked out, I could cover the costs.

     I was on the road for 2 hours a day and I sat in an office for 12 hours a day looking for that big deal.  It never came.  I never made employee of the month or top sales.  I was too tired to be there for him when he passed away.  My frustration killed all of the drive and the determination.  The desperation didn’t allow me to enjoy the last months, days, or hours.

     I have never had lower moments in my life than when I was chasing someone else’s perception of happiness.  I have always had the highest highs when I have taken time to acknowledge the good and allowed myself to experience the joy around me.

     Lately I have been taking time to inhale deep and let my shoulders drop.  I plant my feet on the floor and stretch. Each day I push the door open a little further and find another reason to let myself experience joy.  

     I would like to think that I am not desperate now.  There is still a lot of clutter to work through.  I would like to think that I am determined to do better.  I admit there will be the occasional overshoot while I try to make up for lost time.  Unfortunately to those who are just coming in without knowing the back story, this determination to do better could come off as nothing more than ambitious desperation.

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