11 - The Angel

    "Do you want to die? ANSWER ME!! DO YOU WANT TO DIE!?!!!"  There seemed
to be no difference between the angel and the beast.  The naked genderless
being stood before me.  There was no emotion in it's gaze.  There were no
pupils to look into.  I opened my mouth to speak and a burning sensation
began at the base of my chest.  It was too painful to be a simple cough.  I
felt as though years of filth were scraped from my lungs with each hack.
    "Is this how you want to spend your final moments on this planet?"  Each
time I opened my mouth to answer, my lungs would bark and spew the sludge
that coated their insides.
    The garbage basket near my bed was lined with plastic.  The bottom was
filled with year old newspaper.  I always prepared when I got sick but this was different.
    Over the past few weeks I had seen more people than ever pushing or
carrying O2 tanks.  I had seen various reruns of my favorite TV shows and
they all had to do with tobacco induced cancer and I didn't care.
    Once again my mouth filled with sludge and I spat into the wastebasket.
I was beginning to care.
    "What more do you need?" It's voice rumbled.  I opened my eyes to show I
wasn't afraid and was shocked to see my Mother.  She came with a vaporizer
and hot wet towels.  The towels were for me to hold over my mouth and nose
as I inhaled.  She felt the moisture in the towel combined with the heat
would loosen the phlegm in my lungs.  Good mothers are hard to find.
Cherish them for they are the greatest source of wealth you will ever have.
    "You left your front door open," she said touching my cheek.  I closed
my eyes to see the beast/angel and was surrounded by blackness.

    The breathing came easier and the coughing was less.  I thought about
the genderless, clawed being that appeared the day before.  For the most
part our perception of what angels are is limited.  We wish them to be
beautiful, saintly creatures that come to protect us and whisk away our
problems.
    If you have ever read the Bible or if any ideas have been explained to
you, you would see that angels are Gods warriors.  It was brought to my
attention that every time an angel appeared, the first words uttered were
"Do not fear me."
    I dream differently in the United States.  In Europe the dreams are of
angels standing in all of their alabaster glory carved from a wall of pure
marble surrounded by a gentle mist.  The rivers run clean and the life force
is unending.
    In the states, dreams are flashes of colors that bleed together.  Today
my dreams were interrupted by the cleansing of sludge and the undying ache
of a nicotine fit.  The life force was indeed strong but it's energy was
spread in too many directions.  My lungs burned for a cigarette.
    I stepped from the bed and reached into the breast pocket of my
pinstriped navy jacket.  I held a Turkish Gold in my hand.  I looked to the
wastebasket and saw a layer of filth.  With wobbly steps I stumbled to the
bathroom and dropped the cigarette in the toilet.
    "Do not fear me,"  I thought.  "Today begins the world anew."