2 - The Smoke

    "That's all she said?  Only you?"  Stotler asked.  He clasped his
hands over his beer and stared at the bottles behind the bar.
    I watched the smoke rise from my slow burning cigarette.  It
traveled the length of the cancer stick and then rose into the air just
before it reached the filter line, as if reaching the end would be too
much for it to bear.  I took another deep drag and blew it at the
bottles behind the bar.
    "That's it.  I did notice that she couldn't bring herself to touch
me, though."  The smoke hung in layers.
    "You do realize this girls loves you."  He wedding ring was now
brightly reflecting the dull light.  Every conversation we had now
revolved around my time to settle down.  The thought almost made my skin
crawl.  I had come close to settling down once but f*cked it up, as do
most men in their early twenties.
    "Look, man, I didn't come down to talk about my none existent
relationship status.  I came down to watch you drink that poison and to
stare at these cute waitresses."
    I really wanted to get away from the grinding of my mind.  I hadn't
been able to shut the machines off since she and I stood on the beach.
Realization and resolution are two completely different species.  I felt
like I was regressing.
    "Besides," I continued, "She didn't see it."
    "It?" he said puzzled at first.  "What do you mean ... oh ... that
f*ckin' rain forest sh*t you're always telling me about?"
    I closed my eyes took another slow, deep drag.  The smoke released
easily from my lungs and cascaded from the bar to the well below.  The
bottles remained the same but the colors changed slightly with the
light.  The realization was still sinking in.
    "Yes, it.  When you met your wife you knew right away that she was
'the one' right?  You were ready.  Your mind set was such that you could
give yourself to another person correct?"
    "Yes on both points."
    "Well I'm not ready.  I don't want to be ready.  The vision is too
clear."
    "I think you're just being selfish."  He took another swig of his
beer.  He stretched his arms to the bar and slowly turned from side to
side, cracking his back.  " I have to get home," he said reaching far
above his head.  "Long day tomorrow.  Think about what I said.  This
girl could be good for you."
    "She doesn't see it."
    "Most of us don't.  She's right about one thing; only you see some
of the crazy shit you see."
    As he left I watched the smoke caress the ever changing bottles
behind the bar.  As I left I fought with sounds of the machines in my
head.

04/04/01