What Type Of Man (Part IV) - Freedom

     Drinks and dinner led to shots and laughter.  Tabby was enjoying a night of freedom.  There was no pressure.  There were no questions.  There was only the moment.

     It was the first time that the only thing that mattered was the moment.  I still didn't know what was going on in her world.  My dad was just diagnosed and I think I needed this moment, this freedom, as much as she did.

     There was the occasional look of sadness on both sides but that was washed away with a smile, a wink about the motel, a gentle touch of the shoulder, or a jokingly condescending pat on the knee.  I wasn't expecting her to tell me what was going on in her world and I had no plans of telling her what was going on in mine, initially.

     Young nights age quickly.  They start with the ability to go anywhere.  As night falls choices are made and there are only so many directions those choices lead.

     The plan of a quick drink, pleasant conversation, and an early exit had changed.  It was almost closing time.  My confidence was waning.  A blast of late winter weather would bring me back to life. 

     I stepped outside for a quick cigarette.  The March air was crisp.  The smoke quietly rolled across the parking lot along the tree line.  The moonlight was clean and bright.  There was a sense of purity.

     The door to the bar opened.  Jules and Tabby stepped out and headed to Julie's car.

     "Have a good night, ladies," I said surprised that the young night had, for them, gotten so old so quickly.  Was I over confident?  Had I tried too hard to not seem like I was trying too hard?

     They both laughed and walked to the driver's side of the car.  My concern turned to curiosity.  Tabby grabbed a small bag from the backseat.  Just then it hit me that there were only four cars in the parking lot.  One was broken down.  One belonged to Jules.  One was the bartender's and the last one was mine.

     Tabby walked back towards the bar with her bag over her shoulder and her hands in her pockets.  The bright moonlight danced in her eyes.

     The car drove up to the curb where we were standing.  The driver's side window slowly rolled down.

     "Are you sure?" Jules asked Tabby.

     "Yes," she said with that infectious smile.

     "I swear to god if you hurt her," she said pointing to me.

     "I know, Jules, I know."  I flicked my cigarette into the sewer.  She rolled up her window and slowly drove off.

     "So where is your car?"  I asked feeling the slick smile cut across my face.

     "I had a friend drop me off.  I knew I would get a ride from Jules if I needed it."

     Her eyes lit up under the outside light of the bar.  Her energy brought a warmth to the crisp March air.  Her kiss was like a bolt of electricity that brought my soul back to life.

     "You know," I said feeling strangely honest, "I'm not the best guy on the planet.  I think you deserve something good, something better than good.  I hope I can be that guy for you."

     "Trust me I know what bad is," she said looking at me with those beautiful brown eyes, "and this doesn't feel bad."

     The night had aged perfectly.  There was no pressure.  There were no more questions.  There was only the moment.

What Type Of Man (Part III) - Foundation

     From the moment she smiled the ground beneath my feet felt more stable.  

     "Tabitha, this is..." started Jules.

     "You can call me Tabby," she pleasantly interrupted.  "Jules told me about you.  I like your suit."

     "Thank you," I said feeling a strange rush of blood to my face.  I couldn't figure what was throwing me off.  Was it her brown eyes?  Was it the infectious smile?  Was it the curls?

     Montreal seemed to be moving further away as we spoke.  

     "Shots!!"  Yelled an unrelated voice in the background.

     "Sounds like a good idea...for later...before we go to the motel."  I motioned between Tabitha and myself.  The slick smile cut across my face as I shot a quick look at Jules.  "But, seriously, do either of you want a drink?"  I asked getting my footing back.

     Before Jules could open her mouth to scold me Tabitha laughed.  I smiled back and walked to the bar.  Jules followed.

     "I thought you were going to be nice," she said through her teeth, "not asshole nice."

     Her green eyes were burning through my skull trying to light my soul on fire.

     "Jules," I said taking a deep breath and leaning on the bar, "if I treat her like something gentle that might break then she might just break.  She doesn't want to be treated different.  She doesn't want to be treated special.  She wants to be treated like everybody else.

     "I don't even know what is going on in her world.  You said it yourself, if she trusts me she'll tell me.  I could be some cardboard cutout of a human being or I could be me.  I think I can make her smile for a little while and forget what the world is putting on her.  I don't know if some cardboard cutout could that."

     "If you hurt her..."

     "That is not the type of man I want to be, Jules."

     "May I help you?" Asked the bartender.

     "Three kamikazes please.  Drinks not shots."

     "Coming right up," she said walking away.

     "She won't break," said Jules staring at the bar.

     "I know she won't, Jules."  I said trying to figure how I knew.  Was it the brown eyes or was it the infectious smile?

What Type of Man (Part II) - Exchange Rate

     In March of 2003 I was a different man.  The plans had changed significantly for the first time.  I had gone from a universal know it all to a dimly lit star in the corner of the cosmos.  Everything I fundamentally believed in had been shaken.
     The path at that time was so overgrown it couldn't be seen.  Since I wasn't able to escape to Manhattan to start the life I wanted I had taken to "Doing Dirt in the Distance".  Montreal was just a short four hour drive away and the exchange rate was so very good.
     I had found six blocks in the city where I could eat, sleep, drink, meet beautiful women and lose myself.  Tomorrow didn't exist.  It didn't need to exist.  It was the getaway for when things had gotten away.  That night was different.
     I arrived at The Yard at 7:45.  The plan was to meet Jules and her friend, have a quick drink, then get home and get some sleep.  As routine as I was trying to make the night there was a tinge of excitement.  I hadn't been set up on a date in a while.
     Much to my surprise Jules was already there.  Her shift had let out early and she had stopped by for a quick dinner.
     "Hey, buddy," she said standing up to give me a hug.  "You look nice.  I like the suit."
     "Thank you.  I hope your friend likes it, too."  I said feeling the slick smile cut across my face.
     'I need you to be nice to her."
     "What do you mean?" I asked feeling a stiffening of my spine.  "I'm always nice."
     "I don't need you to be 'asshole' nice.  I need you to be 'you' nice.  If she just needed someone to be 'asshole' nice I would just introduce her to anyone here.  She needs you to be you with her and not use it against her."
     "What..." I started.
     "I need you to be good to her.  I need you to be good to her like you were good to Caitlin."
     My heart skipped a beat.
     "What happened to her?"  I whispered feeling the floor shift beneath my feet.  Caitlin's name had caught me off guard.
     "If she trusts you," she said touching my cheek, "she'll tell you."
     I felt a wave of awareness.  I realized that my home was just a short thirty minute drive away.  I was so close it would be almost impossible to lose myself.  Tomorrow needed to exist.
     I sat and thought about the last trip to Montreal while Jules finished her dinner.  I thought about the freedom it had to offer.
     "Hey, Jules," I heard a voice chime from behind me.
     "She's here," said Jules standing to hug her.
     Beneath the curly brunette hair and the beautiful eyes was the biggest, prettiest smile I had seen in years.  I felt my spine relax.  Suddenly the path didn't seem so overgrown.  Montreal seemed far away and the local exchange rate was looking pretty damn good.
   

Travel Restrictions

     "You're taking all of this pretty well," said Tony.  He had stopped by to see how I was doing.  Amber's friend Tessa had been asking about me.  He had suggested a double date.  I was flattered but I also had socks older than she was.  

     "Most of the people I know who have been let go threaten to sue.  You seem relaxed."

     "I am at peace," I said with my legs up on my ottoman.  "I knew this was coming for about a year."

     He was the second person to have stopped by my house since they let me go.  I was only leaving the house for interviews, groceries, and Mom visits.  I had set up travel restrictions.

     The restrictions were based on a thought my Dad had about funerals.  His thought process was if you don't take the time to call or write while I'm alive why bother coming to the funeral?  At that point you are just coming to hang out with friends.

     My reasoning was similar but different.  If you aren't going to take time to make time neither am I.

     A "friend"  happened to mention they were going to be in the general area.  I suggested we get together for coffee/sushi/wings.  Their response was "Oh I'm sorry.  I'm just in to see friends and family".  There was an awkward pause as we both realized what was just said.

     "Maybe next time," I suggested, knowing there would never be a next time.

     Another friend would always call just before they were leaving town.  "We can hang out," they would say, "but I only have 15 minutes.". The third time this happened I was busy.

     "Hey," I said, "let me know when you're coming in to town next time so we can plan better."  There was another awkward pause.  Up to this point there hasn't been a next time.

     My travel restrictions are more prohibitive than the TSA.

     "The firing," he said snapping me back to the moment, "you knew this was coming?"

     "Yes, yes I did."

     "How are you at peace?  After being there for 10 years how are you not angry?"

     I thought about my poor kitty.  I thought about the travel restrictions.  I thought about what it was like to no longer be in a situation where you knew you weren't wanted.  I thought of this as a step in the right direction.

     "I am at peace with myself."  I answered.  "It feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my chest.  I can breathe again.  It's like when a bad relationship ends and you realize that there is so much better out there."

     "I can put in a good word for you at my company."

     "Thanks, man," I said preparing to engage in some deep chair sitting.

     "And Tessa.  She really wants to see you again.  She keeps asking Amber when is the 'Suit Guy' coming back to the bar."

     "She's not 35 yet is she?"

     He laughed a pleasantly amused laugh.

     "Hell no."

     I smiled.  Maybe it was time to try hanging out with someone who wanted to hang out with me.

Whine & Wings

     "Yeah," she said.  "You sound a bit whiny."  This was the first time we had gotten together since she played designated driver.  Rather than put her through another drunken tirade I thought she would appreciate wings on the water at my second favorite bar.
     "The market sucks.  It's been almost three months.  I've had a few nibbles but no real bites."  I said dipping the wings into the tasty blue cheese.
     "It's not whiny crybaby whiny but it still sounds like you're whining.  Holy shit these wings are good!"  She did a little wiggle in her chair as she covered her mouth with her napkin.
     "Did you try the HR contact at my company?"
     "I got shot down.  I decided to be honest and let her know that I was fired.  She couldn't get off the phone fast enough.  It was like 'Oh...hey...yeah I forgot I have another meeting with someone else who is going to get this job.  Sorry.'  Meh.  There are other jobs out there.  I have the comfort of knowing I was true to myself."
     "Seriously?"
     "Yeah, I mean she didn't even give me five minutes..."
     "No.  No. No!"  She interrupted looking like a one cheeked chipmunk.  "You told her you had been fired?!?"
     "Of course I did.  She asked.  What am I going to do?  Lie to her now then be fired later for lying to her?"
     "You don't have to lie.  You tell them that after ten years you felt that it was time for new challenges."
     "New challenges like what?  Job Hunting?"  We both laughed a bit.  "You sure I can't say I was fired by a guy with a small cock trying to prove he's somebody to people who don't care?"
     "No," she said dipping another wing.  "That's probably not in your best interest either."
     "You do realize this is what I meant by 'Whine' & Wings, right?"  I said making air quotes.
     "Nice.  You're ok, right?". She said wiping her hands with a napkin.
     "I'm all right.  I have more contingency plans than Batman.  I mean this goes on too much longer and things could get bad but right now I'm ok."
     "What about that girl you talked about?" she asked changing the subject.  "What about the moment you mentioned?"
     I looked up and caught a quick glimpse of myself in the mirror behind the bottles again.  This time I saw a man who had laid his soul bare.  I saw a man who had made a decision and was comfortable with the direction it had taken him.
     "I got shot down.  She asked about forever.  I decided to be honest and let her know I couldn't promise forever when I didn't know what the next day would bring."
     "Sorry," she said finishing her first glass, "I think it's time we replace the whine with wine.  Agreed?"
     "As long as you don't think I'm some guy with a small cock trying to prove he's somebody to people who don't care we'll be fine."
     She put down her wine glass and grabbed her purse.
    "Seriously?!?" I asked with eyes wide open.
     "No, I don't think that would be in my best interest because there are still tasty wings left and my glass is empty." she said doing a little wiggle in her chair.  "Bar tender," she said smiling, "more wine!"

People of the Moment

     "It's not enough," she whispered.

     "I can give you right now," I started.  "I can give you this moment.  I have no idea what forever holds but I know that I am here right now."

     "It's not enough," she repeated quietly.

     "There is no promise of tomorrow or forever but there is now.  All I'm asking for is this minute.  I would love for you to forget about everything else and just give me now.  Can you do that?  Can you let me keep you company for a little while?"

     I had watched promises of forever fall apart in a few years, sometimes a few weeks.  As long as I was willing to accept the consequences of my actions I found that the moment rarely disappointed.

     I always seemed to lose the moment when I chased forever.  I became complacent when I knew something would always be there.  I had watched people chase the big picture and ignore the little things.  The thought process seemed to be that the overall end justified the means.  I had watched the compromises come back to haunt them in the end.

     People I know that live for the moment appreciate each and every second like it were their last.  They ask themselves the question, 'If everything were to end for me right now and someone were to judge me for my last few moments how would I be remembered?' 

     Big picture people are surprised when couples break up over what looks to be an innocuous mistake from the outside.  People who live for the moment see all of the small mistakes that lead to the final break up.

     People of the moment move with the knowledge that the future is uncertain but you should prepare just in case you make it and things work out.

     "I think I deserve the promise of forever," she said.  "I think that this would be cheapening things.  I think by avoiding forever you are avoiding building a future with someone.  I need to know that I can count on you for that future.  It's not that I can't keep you company for a a little while.  I don't want to.

     "If you can promise me forever," she said resolutely, "I can give you this moment."

     I covered my mouth with my hand and stared at the table.  I could see the flickering candle through my empty wine glass.  The moon drew my eyes toward the patio beyond the French doors.

     The moment was gone and so was I.  We were no match for her forever.  I had accepted the consequences of my actions but as I drove home alone in silence I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed.

Ramble

     "What the fuck?" Asked Derich.  "You were just going to let me ramble?  You were going to just let me bitch about having a job?"
     "You were venting," I responded waving my hands in the air.  "I wanted you to get what was bothering you off your chest."
     "This," he said wagging his finger, "this is the shit I'm talking about.  You are deep in your own head, my man."  He was now pacing back and forth.
     "You need to do one of two things now.  One call that friend in California and start writing or two call your boy in Hartford and get on that finisher job."
     "Finishing job."  I clarified
     "What?"
     "Finishing job.   This is the job with which I had hoped to finish my career.  I would have worked at my former job for the next five years and then go into my next gig with a certain level of gravitas due to my age and career history."
     "Whatever..."
     "Wait a minute.  You were just telling me how you were happy to have some time to yourself but I have to get a job right away?  I don't get it.  I'm going to be ok, for a little while at least.  Then something good will happen.  It always does."
     He sat on the couch and looked out the window of my living room.  The late September sun was streaming through the window.  It was still warm out but strangely you could tell it was going to be a rough winter.
     "You are a better man than I am."  He said quietly.  "As much as I was hoping to get the axe and the hush money I need the job.  We're not dying but we're in deep."
     I knew things were tight but opted not to say anything.  As loud as Derich was he still had his private spaces.
    "I get it.  Look at my house.  Look at the way I live.  I can take the hit for a while and be ok.  I didn't think I would still be here at this age.  I didn't think I'd live passed 40.  I look at every day as a gift.  I look at every moment as a new challenge that I can conquer.
     "I have an idea of what I need and what I have to do to make it happen.  I'm going to be all right.  So are you."
    "What do you mean?"  He said as the sun beamed off of his face.
    "You asked why I let you ramble.  I can point you in a specific direction and you get there with no problem or I can let you just go on until you find it yourself.  If you find your own way you can figure out the mistakes to avoid and you can pass that knowledge on to people who need it."
     "What the fuck..."
     "We all have different paths.  This is me rambling on mine and I'm going to be all right."