Day 112 - Derailed

     "She died in my arms," I said through the tears.  "I'm not out drinking because of the job.  I'm sad because I had to put my cat to sleep."  I covered my face with my hands.  I was too drunk and sad to be embarrassed.
     "I'm so sorry," V said touching my shoulder.
     "I was so derailed by my own mess..."  I started.  "But she knew she was loved."  I finished, wiping my eyes with one of the bar napkins I grabbed before we left.  "That's the important thing.  She knew she was loved."
     I looked at the light of the moon in my lap.  It was a warm April evening and the sky was clear.  The little sports car exploded once we reached the highway.  Her hair flowed in the wind.  She had put the top down on the convertible because she didn't want me to throw up in her car if I got too sick on the ride home.
     "Is that what you meant by the wrong decision?"  She asked while her hair whipped around her face.  "Because there was nothing you could do for her.  She was clearly suffering.  You said it yourself, she knew she was loved."
     I stared at the light in my lap and felt a few hot tears burn down my cheeks.
     "I just wish I could have done more.  Maybe I was too busy being angry.  Maybe she absorbed the bitterness that's been coursing through my veins lately.  Maybe..."
     "You are the worst drunk ever," she said shaking her head.  I looked at her sideways for a second and then we both started laughing.
     "I don't mean to sound crass.  I know what you've been through.  I had to put Kayla down last year but oh my god you are a horrible drunk."
     "It's the wine," I started.
     "That leads to the whining," she finished.  We both laughed again.  I felt a bit more of the heaviness leave my chest.  Kayla was her companion.  I wasn't a big dog person but Kayla liked me and I liked her.  She had seen my friend through a rocky marriage, a rough divorce, and a later in life career transition.  I could relate to her world of hurt.
     "I guess I'm in for the long haul."  She said.  "How far is your Mom's place from here?  40 - 45 minutes?"
     I looked over in surprise.
     "You were going to drive me all the way back to the boondocks?!?  Wow you are a friend.  I'm actually two exits up.  I have a little crash pad for emergencies."  I did the slow motion face wipe again.
     "Being on the road two to three hours a day was killing me so I set up a place where I could chill out if I needed to, like tonight.  It's nothing special.  It's like a dilapidated frat house with less testosterone and more responsibility."
     "Oh nice," she mocked.  "You're pretending to be an adult."
     "If I could afford to be an adult I'd be happier but that's all part of the plan."
     "You were supposed to tell me about this 'plan'."
     I looked from the moonlight in my lap to the moon in the sky.  I wondered if Kayla and my kitty were running through the clouds keeping each other company.  I was trying to figure out how I got were I was.  I was still drunk but I wasn't as sad or embarrassed any more.  Even in this fluid state I decided to fortify my resolve.
     "I'm sorry.  I was derailed by my own mess.  Let me tell you about my plan for love.  Let me tell you about my plan for personal responsibility."

Day 111 - The Quiet Place

     "Just ring the bell when you arrive and we'll unlock the door for you."  I slowly hung up the phone and looked at the kitchen floor.  My happy healthy kitty was gone.  She had gotten progressively worse since her last two visits to the vet.
     "She's so soft," they would always say.  This was usually followed by "I'm so sorry."
     I had tried everything I could to keep her comfortable.  I tried the expensive cat food.  She liked plain grilled chicken better.  I played with her a bit more so she felt more engaged.  She slept under the covers behind my knees to stay warm.  I made sure the faucet was on before my shower so she could get fresh water.
     Over the past few days none of this mattered.  She had found her quiet place in the house.  She followed me downstairs in the morning to see me off to work but other than that she stayed in her quiet place.  She lost all interest in toys and looking out of the common windows.
     I was used to coming home to a cheerful 'I miss you' meow followed by a thumping of paws down the stairs but lately there was silence.  I found myself laying next to her and stroking her soft fur until she gathered the strength to venture from the quiet place.
     I had moved her food and her litter box near the quiet place so she didn't have to fight stairs every time she needed to eat or use the bathroom.  The stairs were no longer her friend.  Even after I moved it she was barely making it to the litter.
     I started going home for lunch to pet her and make sure she was as comfortable as possible.
     A few days ago I went home for lunch to make sure she was ok.  She stumbled into the bathroom and barely peed in the litter.  She then slowly made it back to the quiet place near the bed.  I open up the crawl space so she could sit near her other favorite window.  She perked up for a moment then stumbled back to the quiet place.
     I decided to finally let her outside after eight and a half years.  She got in the sun and you would have thought she was a kitten.  She was sniffing around.  She was alert.  She actually tried to bolt passed me.  When I brought her in the house her spirits were up.  She was so happy.
     Unfortunately the vet was right.
     "When the turn for the worse comes," he said, "it will come quickly.  Her disease has advanced to the point where her decline will be rapid.  She could go from playful kitty to suffering in a snap."
     She fell trying to get water from the faucet at three in the morning.  Nothing was broken but I could tell she was weaker than just hours before and confused.  I cradled her in my arms like a baby but she fought to get down.  As I set her down I noticed her back right leg was dragging and she couldn't keep her head up anymore.
     She desperately looked for new quiet places in the house but couldn't get comfortable.  I felt the lump growing in my chest and the welling of tears in my eyes.
     "I think it's time," I choked out after I gave the vet all of the necessary information.
     "Just ring the bell when you arrive and we'll unlock the door for you."  I slowly hung up the phone knowing soon my kitty would be in her final quiet place.

Day 110 - Resolve

     The next few weeks slowly started to unravel.  I became the employee I hated.  I was forgetful, distracted, and on occasion, late.  JP was right.  Why was I going out of my way to prove myself to people who didn't want to respect me?
     Everything came to a head one night.
     "Have you done that?"  I think I asked again.
     "Please don't do this to yourself," I could hear the stern pleading in V's voice.
     "Have you gone back to that moment?  I mean the moment where you think you made the wrong decision?  I have.  I do it all the time."  I picked up the wine glass and tipped the stem to the ceiling.  The red didn't even have flavor anymore.  I could feel it making its way into my system to join the rest of the bottle.
     Every once in a while there is a day where no matter what you do you're done.  Every movement boxes you into a corner.  Every attempt to make things right comes up short.
     The clock can't tick fast enough and the day can't end soon enough.  Even the machines were tired of hammering relentlessly.  The grinding metal cacophony had finally reached its fever pitch and had pulled back to a steady hum.
     I closed my eyes and let the last glass hit me like a wave.
     "Thank you," I heard myself say.  "Thank you for coming to pick me up."  I extended my hand to shake hers.  I heard the empty wine glass clink against the bar in the distance.  Luckily the glass didn't break.  If only my resolve could have been that strong.
     My hand hung in the air.
     "I didn't give you my business card for some drunk hook up," she seethed.
     "I didn't call you to hook up."  I did the slow motion face wipe.  There were a few goals.  The number one was to keep it together.  The number two goal was to not puke on myself.  The number three goal was to not wake up on my front porch in my underwear.
     "I just need to talk to someone who has had a bit of distance.  I know it might not seem like it right now but I have a plan and I need to run it by someone."
     "Ok," V said rolling her eyes, "but you can tell me while I drive you home."
     "Deal," I said.
     Over the drive home I explained how the last few weeks slowly unraveled the grand plan.

Day 109 - Mailbox

     I paced around for a few seconds then stood stone still.  I couldn't for the life of me remember why I had come into the room.  My cat was perched on the back of the couch.  She raised her head and gave me a sad look of disappointment.
     Was I just coming through?  Was I looking for something in particular?  Was I just losing my mind?
      I backtracked my steps trying to jog my memory.  As I got to the top of the stairs I thought about Marrianne.  It had been a while since we had actually spoken.
The last time I actually called her was to leave a quick voicemail to let her know I hadn't forgotten about her.
     There had been a few random texts of hello since then but nothing of any significance.   I went for my phone to shoot a quick hello.
     "Son of a bitch," I said out loud.  I realized I had originally gone downstairs to get my phone.
     I went back to the living room and grabbed it from the armrest on the couch.  My cat's sense of disappointment deepened and she burrowed her head under her paw.
     I decided to call rather than text this time.  I thought about taking time to put pen to paper but it had been longer than usual.  Normally that would have been prime letter time but there was a strange sense of urgency.
     The call went directly to voicemail like before.  I got a weird pang in my chest.  I prepared to leave her a quick message letting her know things were stressful but manageable.  I knew when she called me back she would tell me to suck it up and get back to the business of business.
     "The person you have called has a mailbox that is full.  You can not leave a message at this time.  Press one to disconnect.."  The phone went dead.
     I hadn't just come to get my phone.  I had come to get my charger as well.  I backtracked my memory to the last time I spoke with Marrianne.  For the life of me I couldn't remember.  I paced around the living room for a few seconds then stood stone still.

Day 108 - Video Chatting

     "You should just quit," said my friend JP.  "Get on a plane and come to California.  There's a lot of solid opportunity out here for you, buddy.  I understand you have a plan but your plan sacrifices some of your soul.  It's not worth it."
     "It just feels like a solid betrayal.  It feels like I have to prove myself to these people all over again."  I said letting the wine wash away the day.
     Video chatting is strange to me.  I never know if I should look at the camera on the phone/computer/tablet so it looks like I'm looking at the person directly or if I should just look at them on the screen.  As much as I love some of this technology I'm still figuring it out.
     "Why would you take the time to try to prove yourself to people who don't want to respect you?"
     I took a deep breath and let his words sink in.
     "This is more for me than it is for them.  I need to show that I can do the job.  I need to show that I can..." I stopped mid sentence.
     He had crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair.
     "What?" I asked.
     "They may have already won, buddy."
     "I don't know what you mean," I said feeling my brow furrow again.  This was becoming a constant state of face lately.
     "All I'm hearing from you is doubt.  You are questioning your every move.  You even seem like you're questioning the things you know you're good at.  You can't stay somewhere that doesn't constructively challenge you.  There is a difference between pushing people to reach new levels for a greater purpose and crushing someone's soul.  This sounds like someone wants to make sure you are 'where you be long' in the soul crushing kind of way.
     "How much writing have you done lately?  How much music have you made?"
     I ran my hand over my growing beard and looked over the screen to the wall behind it.
     "That's what I thought.  They may have won because YOUR armor is cracked.  Once they get you to question yourself they got you by the balls.  You are either the star of your own dreams or a background player in someone else's."
     "I just feel like I got stabbed in the back."  I said quietly.
     "You can't keep hanging on to the anger.  You've got to let it go.  No one other than you will taste the bitterness in your mouth no matter how long you keep swishing it around."
     I looked right into the camera to make sure he knew I was listening.
     "What did you tell me ten years ago?"  He asked.
     I told him to stop talking about his dreams and start doing something about them.  He had already written a book series but he wanted to get into film.  After our conversation he finished his first script.  I actually bet him he wouldn't do it.  I told him if he did end up producing something I would fly out to help him.  Within seven months we were standing on a set built in someone's living room.  We had a micro budget but we were determined to make magic happen.
     Now, ten years later, his production company was about to embark on their first international venture.  There were multiple directors, multiple locations, and hundreds of people involved.  All of this stemmed from two friends talking about believing in something more.
     "If you really want to do something don't just sit there..." I started.
     "Do SOMETHING!" He finished with the same enthusiasm I had ten years ago.
     "JP," said a voice in the background, "the production meeting starts in ten minutes."
     "Thank you.  Ok, buddy, you heard the lady.  I've got to go.  Let me know when you're on your way out here even if it's just for a visit.  Keep your head on straight and spit that bitterness out.  The world has much sweeter things in store for you."
     "Thank you," I said feeling a bit more of the weight lift from my chest.  "I will revamp the plan."
     "You should just quit limiting yourself.  There's a lot of solid opportunity out there just waiting for you.  Revamp that plan so it doesn't sacrifice your soul.  It's not worth it."

Day 107 - That Thing

     "What in the hell is that thing on your face?" V asked with a combination of surprise and confusion.  I had let the hibernation beard grow out of control.  Shaving just wasn't a part of the equation this year.
     The events that led to this last hibernation had left me numb.  No matter how hard I tried to dial things back I couldn't.  No matter how close I came to a total reset of mindset the final piece wouldn't click into place.
     This year the hibernation seemed like a Sisyphean task.
     "Oh Hey!  It's the hibernation beard."
     "Wow!  I've seen you with a five o'clock shadow before but this..." Her voice trailed off a bit.  "I have to admit you kind of look like a bad ass."
     Every once in a while it happens.  The line is just long enough for me to get caught talking to someone.  Usually I can time it just right.  I run in.  I grab what I need and go.  Even though I look like a 'bad ass' I must look like a nice bad ass because ocassionally random people will just start a conversation.
     Sometimes it's about how long the line is.  Sometimes it's about how the person in front of us MUST be paying in pennies because 'no transaction on earth takes this long!'. Sometimes it's about the weather.
     Normally I will say I forgot my wallet in my car and go on a short walk until the line dissipates.  Unfortunately this was my second go round.  I had already gone on my walk and the store was closing in ten minutes.  More important, I was out of wine.
     She knew me from work.  We worked together for a few years but then she got an offer at a different company making different money.
     "Thank you.  I think?"  The question hung in the air for a second.
     "No, no, no.  It's a good thing.  I've also never seen you in jeans before."
     "Sir," I heard the cashier say.  My heart sang.  As much as I do like seeing people I like sometimes I just want to get in the store and get out.  "I'll be right with you," she said running to the back of the store.  My heart sank.
     "So how's the new job?" I asked, genuinely curious.
     "It's different.  Different pay structure.  Different environment.  I went from being one of the oldest people in the office to being just one of the crowd."
     We heard a flurry of sneezes from the back of the store intermixed with a few "Oh My Gods".  This commotion was followed by a long coughing fit.  V and I just looked at each other moderately concerned.
     "I'm sorry," said the red faced cashier as she returned.  "It's my allergies."  She put her right wrist to her nose and fanned herself with her left hand.
     "Bless you," we both said at the same time.
     "Talk to you after hibernation," I said after I checked out and headed for the door.
     "Here's my card.  I know it's been kind of a rough year for you.  We're always looking for good people.  If you want to get a clean start I'll put in a good word for you."
     "Thank you," I said slipping her card into the good pocket.  "I'll keep you in mind."
     "You might have to shave that thing on your face for the interview but other than that I think you'd be a perfect fit."  We laughed a little then she disappeared into the darkness.
     As much as I needed a change I also needed to find the weakness in the armor and watch it spread.  I had a plan and shaving just wasn't part of the equation this year.

Day 106 - Pie Hole

     "Fuck 'em," said Derich giving the world the finger.  "Fuck 'em right in the pie hole!"  He put his feet up on the ottoman.
     "And then I was asking myself should I quit or just wait for them to..." I tried to continue.
     "Fuck them and fuck that!  You do not quit!  You hang on to that job until they fire you.  If you quit you get nothing.  Now if they fire you," he said smiling, "they have to explain it.  You have too much going on now to just walk away.  Besides if you walk away they win."
     He was the second person to say that.  In my mind everyone had already lost.  There were not going to be any winners here, just people nursing bruised egos and mending broken promises.
     "Yes, I know.  I get it."  My cat moved from her perch on the back of the couch to my lap.  Her freshly shaved belly was warm.  She had been incredibly cuddly since her visit to the emergency room.  Two thousand dollars later she was home.  I wasn't sure how long she was here for but she was here now.  We had that in common.
     "Trust me," he said pointing to the ceiling.
     Derich was the king of getting fired lately.  He had actually done very well for himself over the last few years but in an unorthodox way.  Six years ago he had worked his way up to an executive level at an international company.  When the market crashed they let him go.  At first he was worried about how he was going to make ends meet until he got his severance package.  It wasn't what he was used to making but it was more money than most people see in five years.
    Three years ago it happened again.  This time it was more than what most people see in a decade.  He was chomping at the bit to get fired from this latest company because they were known for golden parachutes.
     "Most of my department is about to get canned.  I love it."
     "You are a lunatic."
     "I get the summer off.  We'll go visit her parents for a few weeks, which will suck, but for the most part I get to enjoy some quality time with Karen and the kids."
     He laced his fingers and smiled.
     "So how much is the buy out?"  He asked coming back to our conversation.
     "The what?" I started laughing.
     "The buy out!  How much are they going to pay you to walk out the door and keep your mouth shut?"
     "Buy out?  Man, there is no buy out.  They just walk me out.  I'm going to have to fight for my vacation time."
     He stared at me blankly.
     "You've been there, what, five or ten years, right?" He asked slowly.
     "Yes.  About five or ten years."
     "No buy out?" He asked incredulously.
     "Nope.  No buy out for me.  I'll be lucky if the patch of land they drop me over has grass to break my fall.  I have no golden parachute."
     There was a long pause.
     "What'd you make last year?"
     I gave him the number and he almost choked.
     "It's time for you to take that job working for your friend in Hartford.  If you can survive on the amount you just told me you'd kill it as a financial planner.  If I made that little I'd be living in a cardboard box.  A very small cardboard box."
     "Well now that makes me feel better."  I said shaking my head.  "I can't work for him.  For him or with him or whatever.  Friends and money don't mix.  I value his friendship too much to have work get in the way."
     He looked at his watch then rubbed his forehead.
     "I have to meet Karen for lunch.  She wants to go over our finances before the layoff.  Look," he said standing up to leave, "if I were you I would just buckle down and make as much as you can for as long as you can.  Have the best year you've ever had.  That way if they fire you they have to explain it."
     "Then what?" I asked.  My cat perked her head up like she was waiting for an answer, too.
     "Fuck 'em," he said.  "Fuck 'em right in the pie hole!"