"I can't believe you're smoking again," she said with a look of
disgust on her face. "Why are you doing this to yourself? You were
doing so well."
"Some days I hate my job renting cars to people. I was doing ok and
then it just got f*cked up. Ice pumps through my veins when I think of
the you're-fired-if-you-don't-kiss-ass speech I got. They took me to
lunch hoping I wouldn't explode in public. I did a pretty good job." I
said watching the smoke curl into little circles.
"Didn't they ask you to leave the restaurant?" she asked shaking her
head.
"Yes, but that was a little bit later. Completely different
circumstances."
"Sure it was. You are nothing but drama. Pure drama."
I laughed a quiet laugh. It almost felt good to sit and relax with
her; almost. I had been pulling back slowly, cutting ties with people
who didn't return phone calls or e-mails and limiting my time out to
people who were interested in hanging out.
The winter was coming. You never realize how cold it is until
you're alone. I wanted to see just how cold it would get this year.
Quiet little nights out like this were my way of finding out who I would spend time
with and who would just get the occasional hello at the grocery store.
I inhaled deeply. I served no true purpose for her. I realized
that the last time we went out. I was her excuse to leave the house
when her boyfriend wasn't around. I had learned to filter out his name
each time she mentioned it. I always felt like she was reminding me
that I wasn't him. She wasn't really too happy with him either. He was
just there to cure her loneliness but he wasn't smart enough to realize
it.
"The September 11th incident started to put things into perspective
for me, too." I tried to get my mind back on track. "It's time for
some serious decisions."
"Like what, marriage?"
"Woman, do I look like I'm high on crack?!? Why would I wanna to
ruin a perfectly good relationship by getting married?!?"
"You are such an asshole. You know _____ doesn't think that way
about marriage and love." she said crossing her arms defiantly.
"He's still getting blown, that's why."
Dead silence is such a beautiful thing.
"Oh come on. You know I'm kidding." I wasn't f*ckin'
kidding.
"I was talking about the terrorist attacks! I'm talking about being
taken out at any minute by some freaking psycho; either that Osama prick
or that wacko unibomber wannabee, who's sending that shit out just to
kill people. I'm worried about the militia groups and the KKK. You're
going to see a rise in all kinds of shit. Think about the Arab
Americans who've gotten their asses kicked or been killed so far. I
didn't see white folks killing or beating the shit out of each other
after the Oklahoma City Bombing.
"People are just lost. I felt like I was lost before, but now I
feel more focused. The machines don't hammer as hard. Nothing seems
like it matters that much. We've gone from sitting comfortably on a
nice warm sofa in front of the fire to constantly walking a tightrope.
Honestly, I haven't felt this alive in the past ten years. I want to do
it all. I want to make as music as I can. I wanna take as many
pictures as I can. I want to experiment as much as I can because you
never know. The decision to keep the safe little job and wonder what
would have happened if you had done "blank" could be the greatest regret.
The world has become just as f*cked up as I thought I was. I don't
feel so trapped, trapped like I'm living in a shell of oddity while the
normal little place around me spins.
"I still have my boundaries don't get me wrong, but the playing
field is just a little bit larger. That's why I'll say out loud 'I hate my
job' some days. That's why I'm not afraid to dance on my car in a
crowded parking lot, or ask the prettiest girl out to dinner, or lament
on why God might hate me. That's why I know it's going to be a long
cold winter."
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