In his heyday my Dad reminded me of the city. He could be gritty and grimy or
he could be the most refined thing you’d ever seen it all mattered what the situation
called for. You could learn so much if you were just willing to listen.
He had no time for you if you were ignorant and unwilling to learn how to survive.
If you were willing to listen and follow the pulse you would’ve been privy to a lifetimes
worth of knowledge in what seems like seconds.
Once you figure out the grid you find that navigating is it easy; you just have to
know where you want to go. As you get older the things that you were initially amazed by
seem less amazing and more commonplace. The things that you thought were initially
commonplace become more and more amazing.
There is always traffic and congestion. If you play your cards right you know that
you always want to avoid driving in in the morning. Morning is the busy time when
decisions need to be made sometimes it’s so busy your mind is cluttered. If you have to
make the morning commute, do it early so you beat the traffic and keep your mind clear.
When you leave the city at the end of the work day leave a little bit later so you
can let the sheep run for the finish line. Stay later and finish the job you started. No
one will ever give you a medal for quitting early, especially if the job is not done.
About twenty years ago my older brother’s friend Thomas arrived at the house late on
a Sunday afternoon. My brothers had all gone off to the military years earlier and moved
on to different parts of the country but Thomas stayed in town and married his high school
sweetheart.
“She’s gonna leave me,” I heard him say as I pretended to be asleep on the couch in
the other room.
“She’s gonna leave me and I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried everything I can think
of but I’m just not the man she wanted. I…I…” I heard his voice trail off into a whisper
and then a quiet sob.
“Sit down,” I heard my Father’s voice come calmly around the corner. “Talk to me.”
My Father offered him a few tissues. There were a few more minutes of crying
followed by a moment or two of silence.
“I can’t do this Mr. Ford-Bey. It’s too hard. She won’t take me back. Not for us;
not for the kids; not for anything. I can’t lose my kids!” He cried.
I sat curled in a ball on the couch. It was too late to leave. Even though I was in
the other room, for me to get up and go would have broken the groove my Dad was letting
Thomas get himself wrapped into.
“I just wanted to stop by to say good-bye,” I heard his final decision in his voice
but I didn’t understand the gravity of the situation.
“So that’s it?” asked my Dad realizing what was really being said. “What about Kelly
and Thomas Jr.?”
“I don’t have any money for a lawyer,” Thomas wailed. “She is going to take my kids.
MY GODDAMN KIDS! She tells them constantly that I’m a failure. She says ‘Daddy never
bought that big house he promised mommy. He never got that big yard for you to play in’.
The three year old, she doesn’t even want to see me anymore. I have nothing left.” I
could hear him pacing and crying. His voice cracked with every sentence.
“So you figured you’d just kill yourself and be done with it, right?” I still heard
the eerie calm in my father’s voice.
“When I’m gone…it’ll…it…will…” he stammered.
“That’s best thing you could do.” I could hear Dad sit back in his chair. There was
dead silence. No pacing. No crying. “All of the pain will be gone. How are you going
to do this anyway?”
There was no answer. The pacing started again.
“You came here to say good-bye and you don’t even have an action plan?!?”
“I thought that you…” Thomas started.
“Look at me,” said my father, “I’m agreeing with you. This is what you want to do
and I support it. I will answer any questions your son might have about you when he gets
older. At some point when his life gets really rough and it seems like there’s no way he
can win I’ll bring you up.
“I’ll tell him this is how your father handled trouble when it came his way. What is
he four, five? I’m sure he’s old enough to remember the funeral for the rest of his
life.”
The eerie calm now permeated the room. I heard Thomas sit down and start to sob
again. “I just wish…”
“Don’t wish. Realize what is going on right now. Your relationship with Karen is
over. Your relationship with your kids is what you have now. Think about the father you
want them to have. Don’t think about the things you want them to have. How do you want
them to remember you? What do want them to remember you for?”
The conversation started. Thomas left an hour later to go kiss his kids good night.
Once you figure out the grid you find that navigating is it easy; you just have to
know where you want to go.
That Beautiful Black Man
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