Travel Restrictions

     "You're taking all of this pretty well," said Tony.  He had stopped by to see how I was doing.  Amber's friend Tessa had been asking about me.  He had suggested a double date.  I was flattered but I also had socks older than she was.  

     "Most of the people I know who have been let go threaten to sue.  You seem relaxed."

     "I am at peace," I said with my legs up on my ottoman.  "I knew this was coming for about a year."

     He was the second person to have stopped by my house since they let me go.  I was only leaving the house for interviews, groceries, and Mom visits.  I had set up travel restrictions.

     The restrictions were based on a thought my Dad had about funerals.  His thought process was if you don't take the time to call or write while I'm alive why bother coming to the funeral?  At that point you are just coming to hang out with friends.

     My reasoning was similar but different.  If you aren't going to take time to make time neither am I.

     A "friend"  happened to mention they were going to be in the general area.  I suggested we get together for coffee/sushi/wings.  Their response was "Oh I'm sorry.  I'm just in to see friends and family".  There was an awkward pause as we both realized what was just said.

     "Maybe next time," I suggested, knowing there would never be a next time.

     Another friend would always call just before they were leaving town.  "We can hang out," they would say, "but I only have 15 minutes.". The third time this happened I was busy.

     "Hey," I said, "let me know when you're coming in to town next time so we can plan better."  There was another awkward pause.  Up to this point there hasn't been a next time.

     My travel restrictions are more prohibitive than the TSA.

     "The firing," he said snapping me back to the moment, "you knew this was coming?"

     "Yes, yes I did."

     "How are you at peace?  After being there for 10 years how are you not angry?"

     I thought about my poor kitty.  I thought about the travel restrictions.  I thought about what it was like to no longer be in a situation where you knew you weren't wanted.  I thought of this as a step in the right direction.

     "I am at peace with myself."  I answered.  "It feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my chest.  I can breathe again.  It's like when a bad relationship ends and you realize that there is so much better out there."

     "I can put in a good word for you at my company."

     "Thanks, man," I said preparing to engage in some deep chair sitting.

     "And Tessa.  She really wants to see you again.  She keeps asking Amber when is the 'Suit Guy' coming back to the bar."

     "She's not 35 yet is she?"

     He laughed a pleasantly amused laugh.

     "Hell no."

     I smiled.  Maybe it was time to try hanging out with someone who wanted to hang out with me.

Whine & Wings

     "Yeah," she said.  "You sound a bit whiny."  This was the first time we had gotten together since she played designated driver.  Rather than put her through another drunken tirade I thought she would appreciate wings on the water at my second favorite bar.
     "The market sucks.  It's been almost three months.  I've had a few nibbles but no real bites."  I said dipping the wings into the tasty blue cheese.
     "It's not whiny crybaby whiny but it still sounds like you're whining.  Holy shit these wings are good!"  She did a little wiggle in her chair as she covered her mouth with her napkin.
     "Did you try the HR contact at my company?"
     "I got shot down.  I decided to be honest and let her know that I was fired.  She couldn't get off the phone fast enough.  It was like 'Oh...hey...yeah I forgot I have another meeting with someone else who is going to get this job.  Sorry.'  Meh.  There are other jobs out there.  I have the comfort of knowing I was true to myself."
     "Seriously?"
     "Yeah, I mean she didn't even give me five minutes..."
     "No.  No. No!"  She interrupted looking like a one cheeked chipmunk.  "You told her you had been fired?!?"
     "Of course I did.  She asked.  What am I going to do?  Lie to her now then be fired later for lying to her?"
     "You don't have to lie.  You tell them that after ten years you felt that it was time for new challenges."
     "New challenges like what?  Job Hunting?"  We both laughed a bit.  "You sure I can't say I was fired by a guy with a small cock trying to prove he's somebody to people who don't care?"
     "No," she said dipping another wing.  "That's probably not in your best interest either."
     "You do realize this is what I meant by 'Whine' & Wings, right?"  I said making air quotes.
     "Nice.  You're ok, right?". She said wiping her hands with a napkin.
     "I'm all right.  I have more contingency plans than Batman.  I mean this goes on too much longer and things could get bad but right now I'm ok."
     "What about that girl you talked about?" she asked changing the subject.  "What about the moment you mentioned?"
     I looked up and caught a quick glimpse of myself in the mirror behind the bottles again.  This time I saw a man who had laid his soul bare.  I saw a man who had made a decision and was comfortable with the direction it had taken him.
     "I got shot down.  She asked about forever.  I decided to be honest and let her know I couldn't promise forever when I didn't know what the next day would bring."
     "Sorry," she said finishing her first glass, "I think it's time we replace the whine with wine.  Agreed?"
     "As long as you don't think I'm some guy with a small cock trying to prove he's somebody to people who don't care we'll be fine."
     She put down her wine glass and grabbed her purse.
    "Seriously?!?" I asked with eyes wide open.
     "No, I don't think that would be in my best interest because there are still tasty wings left and my glass is empty." she said doing a little wiggle in her chair.  "Bar tender," she said smiling, "more wine!"

People of the Moment

     "It's not enough," she whispered.

     "I can give you right now," I started.  "I can give you this moment.  I have no idea what forever holds but I know that I am here right now."

     "It's not enough," she repeated quietly.

     "There is no promise of tomorrow or forever but there is now.  All I'm asking for is this minute.  I would love for you to forget about everything else and just give me now.  Can you do that?  Can you let me keep you company for a little while?"

     I had watched promises of forever fall apart in a few years, sometimes a few weeks.  As long as I was willing to accept the consequences of my actions I found that the moment rarely disappointed.

     I always seemed to lose the moment when I chased forever.  I became complacent when I knew something would always be there.  I had watched people chase the big picture and ignore the little things.  The thought process seemed to be that the overall end justified the means.  I had watched the compromises come back to haunt them in the end.

     People I know that live for the moment appreciate each and every second like it were their last.  They ask themselves the question, 'If everything were to end for me right now and someone were to judge me for my last few moments how would I be remembered?' 

     Big picture people are surprised when couples break up over what looks to be an innocuous mistake from the outside.  People who live for the moment see all of the small mistakes that lead to the final break up.

     People of the moment move with the knowledge that the future is uncertain but you should prepare just in case you make it and things work out.

     "I think I deserve the promise of forever," she said.  "I think that this would be cheapening things.  I think by avoiding forever you are avoiding building a future with someone.  I need to know that I can count on you for that future.  It's not that I can't keep you company for a a little while.  I don't want to.

     "If you can promise me forever," she said resolutely, "I can give you this moment."

     I covered my mouth with my hand and stared at the table.  I could see the flickering candle through my empty wine glass.  The moon drew my eyes toward the patio beyond the French doors.

     The moment was gone and so was I.  We were no match for her forever.  I had accepted the consequences of my actions but as I drove home alone in silence I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed.

Ramble

     "What the fuck?" Asked Derich.  "You were just going to let me ramble?  You were going to just let me bitch about having a job?"
     "You were venting," I responded waving my hands in the air.  "I wanted you to get what was bothering you off your chest."
     "This," he said wagging his finger, "this is the shit I'm talking about.  You are deep in your own head, my man."  He was now pacing back and forth.
     "You need to do one of two things now.  One call that friend in California and start writing or two call your boy in Hartford and get on that finisher job."
     "Finishing job."  I clarified
     "What?"
     "Finishing job.   This is the job with which I had hoped to finish my career.  I would have worked at my former job for the next five years and then go into my next gig with a certain level of gravitas due to my age and career history."
     "Whatever..."
     "Wait a minute.  You were just telling me how you were happy to have some time to yourself but I have to get a job right away?  I don't get it.  I'm going to be ok, for a little while at least.  Then something good will happen.  It always does."
     He sat on the couch and looked out the window of my living room.  The late September sun was streaming through the window.  It was still warm out but strangely you could tell it was going to be a rough winter.
     "You are a better man than I am."  He said quietly.  "As much as I was hoping to get the axe and the hush money I need the job.  We're not dying but we're in deep."
     I knew things were tight but opted not to say anything.  As loud as Derich was he still had his private spaces.
    "I get it.  Look at my house.  Look at the way I live.  I can take the hit for a while and be ok.  I didn't think I would still be here at this age.  I didn't think I'd live passed 40.  I look at every day as a gift.  I look at every moment as a new challenge that I can conquer.
     "I have an idea of what I need and what I have to do to make it happen.  I'm going to be all right.  So are you."
    "What do you mean?"  He said as the sun beamed off of his face.
    "You asked why I let you ramble.  I can point you in a specific direction and you get there with no problem or I can let you just go on until you find it yourself.  If you find your own way you can figure out the mistakes to avoid and you can pass that knowledge on to people who need it."
     "What the fuck..."
     "We all have different paths.  This is me rambling on mine and I'm going to be all right."

Basketball

     "And then," seethed Derich, "these clowns told me that they were actually EXPANDING my division!"
     We were getting together for the first time in a while.  His summer plans didn't quite work out.
     It had been a long couple of months.  Derich's company had decided he was far too valuable of an asset to let go.  They had expanded his division, increased his responsibilities, and given him more people to manage.  The only part missing was the salary increase.
    "Oh, Derich," he said mocking his bosses speech pattern, "once the Q4 earnings are out we'll have a better idea of how to take care of you.  We took a beating the last few quarters but we know you'll help us turn it around."
     "God damn it!!"  He continued in his own voice.  "I was doing just enough to make sure they would walk me out!  Jacobson was killing himself so I was sure they were going to keep him."
     "Who is Jacobson?" I asked while he paced back in forth in my living room.
     "He's the other team lead.  They hate him.  He doesn't play basketball during lunch.  He's in early.  He leaves late.  He eats lunch at his desk.  He does good work but he's not a team guy."    He looked out the window while the sun set on my porch.
     "We used to tell him to loosen up."
     "So what team did Jacobson get?" I asked out of curiosity even though I already knew the answer.
     "He was the first one they walked out.  At 3:50 they told him they had a 4:00 meeting about expanding the team leadership position.  By 4:05 they were walking him out the door.
     "They called me in at 4:15 and I was ready, man.  I had already told Karen that we could probably coast the month of August and some of September.  I sat there with a big smile on my face and then they told me that they were giving me most of Jacobson's team."
     I just put my face in my hands.
     "So let me see if I can get this right," I said trying not to laugh out loud.  "You put your feet up on your desk, play the occasional game of basketball with the boss, follow the team plan and they promoted you.  This Jacobson guy doubles down on the work, eats lunch at his desk, BUT he's not a team player so they walked him out?"
     I shook my head.  Derich looked out the window as the silent truth blanketed the room.
     "Blah, blah, blah.  Enough about me," he said changing the subject.  You were supposed to have that meeting about your job today.  How'd it go?"
     "Well," I said smiling.  "I don't play basketball."

What Type Of Man

     It was March 2003.  I stood in the driveway of the exclusive dealership waiting for a ride from someone in my office.  I had just been screamed at for not providing a car that was up to the client's standards.
     The conversation included comments like 'Do you know who I am?' & 'Do you know how much I made last year?'  None of that really mattered.  As I listened to this person vent I realized that all they had was their money.  I hated being yelled at but I felt bad because this person felt their money put me beneath them.
     I decided that wasn't the type of man I wanted to be even if I was successful at the job.  I tried to picture in my head what I wanted.  Yes I did want a nicer car but I wanted it for safety and reliability.
     I was driving an hour fifteen minutes each way to work everyday.  I had seen my share of accidents made worse by cars that couldn't cope with the collision.  I didn't need to have something nice.  I needed to have something safe and reliable.
     My flip phone rang with a number I didn't recognize.
     "Hello?" I answered with a half question.
     "Hi," said an extremely pleasant voice.  "It's Julie from The Yard."
     I took a deep breath.  Julie was a sweet quiet little red head who could drink most of us under the table, dance all night, and still make it to work 15 minutes before her shift was supposed to start.  This was exactly the voice I needed to hear.
     "Hey, Jules.  What's going on?"
     "I have kind of a strange question for you."
     "Shoot."
     "Are you seeing anyone right now?"
     I felt the slick smile cut across my face.
     "Why no, Jules.  I'm not what's on your mind?"  I could barely contain my enthusiasm.  It's one thing when you spend time chasing after someone and they finally say yes.  The world is a completely different place when you get a call out of the blue and someone expresses interest.
     "Oh that's awesome," she started matching my enthusiasm, "because I have a friend who I think would just love you."
     The 'I have a friend' speech is almost as ambitious as the 'I Have A Dream' speech.  I was going to say no.  I had a preconceived notion of what this girl was going to look like.  I had a thought that this was going to be a disaster.  Then I took a deep breath.
     Jules may not have been interested but she thought I was good enough to introduce to one of her friends.  My momentary lapse of enthusiasm was gone.
     It was time for a shake up.  Up until then I had a basic idea of what I wanted in life but there was no clear direction.  Why not take a chance?
     "What night works for you?" I asked remembering I was happy someone expressed interest.
     "Tomorrow at The Yard.  We'll meet you there around 8."
     "Sounds like a plan."
     I hung up the phone as my ride arrived.  I decided not to prejudge.  I decided to take a chance.  Before the phone call someone was just yelling at me because they had prejudged who I was without knowing me.  Who was I to do that to someone else?  That wasn't the type of man I wanted to be.

Fog

     I was coasting. I was coasting in life.  Going to sleep early and drinking the proper amount of water had paid off.  It wasn't just something for drinking too much on a random weeknight.  Drinking enough water and getting enough sleep had changed my general mindset.  There was minimal fog and even less pain.  It was going to be a good day.  I knew there wasn't much time left at the job so I had to make a decision.

     I decided that they had to fire me.  I wouldn't walk out.  Walking out wouldn't cut it.  I couldn't just quit.  In my mind you don't quit.  You stop doing things that don't work for you.  You refocus your energy on things that move you forward.  You do these things but you don't quit.

     I could have crumbled when they told me that after 10 years I didn't deserve to be there but, I didn't.  I could have broken when they told me that I was (and had always been in their eyes) unfit for the job but, I didn't.

     I realized that these comments were made by a person lashing out and making choices based on fear.  I was ok.  My mind was clear.  The goal was to hold on to the job for as long as I could.  Rather than throw a wrench in the system I would do my best and make it work for me as long as it could.

     Going to sleep early and drinking the proper amount of water had paid off.  There was minimal fog.  Coasting wouldn't cut it any more.  It was time to stop before I ran aground.  The fog was dissipating and the path was becoming clear.