44 - The Ranger

     "You should stop by Saturday night," said Derich finishing off his
beer.
     "What's going on Saturday?" I asked looking around for Connie our little
waitress from last time we were here.
     The Door was bumping for a Wednesday night.  There was no one really
for me to check out and I wasn't in the mood for beer.  It seemed that the
treadmill usage on this evening was at an all time low.
     For the most part I hate the winter.  The only thing I do enjoy is that
those who shouldn't wear half shirts don't.
     "A few of us are getting together to kill a keg and watch the game."
     "Pass.  I think I'm going to the show at the theater on Saturday."
     "I can't believe you.  You are so gay."  He crossed his arms and rolled his
eyes toward the ceiling.
     "Let me get this straight.  You think my weekend plans are 'gay'?" I asked
making 1990's style quotation marks in the air.
     "Ahhhh yes.  I sense rump ranging."
     "Let me make sure I understand what you are saying..."
     "Speak pooh stabber."
     "Because I don't want to go to your house with five or six other guys and
watch other guys on TV run around in tights and slap each other on the ass, I'm
gay?"
     Bit of silence.
     "Because I plan to go watch beautiful, flexible, young actresses dance on
stage I am the ranger?  Because I don't stop by to watch basketball games
(sweaty dudes in shorts), baseball games (fat dudes in tights), or hockey (white
Eskimos), I am the ranger?  Is your gay-dar in full effect?"
     "Oh my God I have to kill myself." He said slapping his forehead.
     "I know we're just kidding around but I also know that in the wrong hands
this conversation could go from 'hey you're gay' to kill all the Negroes in a
short matter of time.  Gays get ragged on. I would love to hear what
motherf*ckers say about me when I'm not in the room.  N*gger this, n*gger that."
     "Dude, you're being sensitive."
     "Do you think the rump ranger needs a hug?  Should I call you Tonto?  Is
this your way of coming out and blaming me?"
     "My brother is gay you asshole."
     "Oh yeah.  I forgot.  I knew that.  My bad."
     He just shook his head.
     "So what game is on Saturday, anyway?" I said trying to make nice.
     "California girls volleyball live feed off.  4:30."
     "Count me in."

That Beautiful Black Man