57 - Answering The Call

     I don’t have caller ID on my home phone.  I’m never home to answer my phone
anyway so that doesn’t really matter.  I do have voice mail.  This is nice.  It
makes it easy for me to catch the very end of those important prerecorded
telemarketer phone calls about how my mortgage can be cut in half.  Seeing that
I don’t have a mortgage this is very helpful.  She also uses it to leave me
messages when she's sure I'm at work.
     For the most part I get calls about recent inquiries I’ve made on line
about various cable and Internet services.  This is all well and good but the
various “photography sites” I visit offer no such services.  They offer certain
services (video/home made video/personal interaction) but nothing along the line
of the run of the mill pay to play services.
     When I am home I tend to let most people know that I’m not in the mood to
chat.  Sometimes answering the call can be fun.  A good example is the way I
pick up the phone.  On any given day if you call my house you will get one of a
few responses.
1. Speak.
2. What!
3. Littleblackman.com, little black man speaking.
4. Talk fast, sheep, my time is limited and I have planets to conquer.
5. I’m naked that’s not a problem for you is it?  Seeing that I’m in  my own
home I didn’t think it would be.
6. Chef Bob’s pizza.  Chef Bob speaking.
7. (Pretending I’m caught in mid conversation) Yes it will work, Goddamn It.
You just have to rub my ass with your left hand AND stroke my thigh with your
right…Sorry may I help you.
8. No, I’m not busy.  The ambulance will be here in just a minute.
     I used to have an answering machine.  This was just another test in torture
for those that called.  I never wanted the out going message to be boring.  I
wrote songs...loud, unnecessary songs.  Most of the time I just came up with
obnoxious observations.
     The best out going message I left went like this:
'I'm not in right now because I'm standing outside butt-naked trying to hail a
cab.  Leave me a message and when it's gets too cold outside, I'll come inside,
put on a sock, and check my messages. TAXI!'
     As I said before sometimes answering the call can be fun.